Video Game Rage (aka The Fine Art of Controller Abuse)

Hi, my name is Mister Bling, and I'm a 'thrower.' I'm in recovery, and have gone almost a full year without throwing a controller. Well, there was a recent incident when I 'intentionally dropped' my Guitar Hero controller, but that was not a malicious 'throw.' So I'm saying technically, I've had one relapse. Before that, I'd had a streak of four or five years, but I played God of War last summer, and spent almost an hour trying to get past the spinning blade columns in Hades. Got to where I could see the top of the second cliff, and then fell all the way down. Five seconds later, my cats scattered out of the bedroom as pieces of black Sony plastic flew in twenty different directions. I screamed to the heavens, "GODDAMN YOU, DAVID JAFFE! RIDE THOSE SPINNAS UP YOUR ASS!" After coming to my senses, I finished the game, and even found the strength to defeat all ten Challenges of the Gods. And WOW, was the last one tough. Took me about three hours. I know how long it took, because I taped it. But I did not throw again after that. I screamed until I'd almost lost my voice, but no throwing.

Before that, the last time I 'threw' was after college, and I was playing Gameday 98 on the PS1. Last game of the season. I was the Broncos, playing the Oilers. Undefeated season so far, 15-0. Then as time expires, Warren "Wife-Beater" Moon airs out an 80-yard load of bullshit and connects to a WR who was triple-covered in the end zone. Other than no cats to scurry away from the debris, the results were similar. I remember when I moved out of that house, and found the triangle button.

Then there was Street Fighter II Turbo:


Yup, the guy on the right was me. I think there is still a controller-sized hole in the wall at my dad's house. Fortunately, SNES controllers were about as sturdy as the NES ones. They made more 'rattling' noise after a couple of throws, as the internal plastic casing seemed to break apart easier, but I never had a button pop out, and I still own my two original SNES controllers, and they still work fine.

But one of my favorite controller abuse stories came from a roommate right after college. He had the day off of work, and I had my old NES set up in the living room (we used to make Arch Rivals and Track & Field into video drinking games). He spent the whole day playing Rygar. When I came home from work that night, he was in his room, and the TV was off, so I'd assumed that he beat it. Jealous of all the quality gaming time I'd missed, I decided to play a little. When I picked up the controller, I noticed that there were small indentations on a corner of it. Upon further examination, I saw that they were in the shape of a semi-circle. Then I flipped it over, and saw the same thing on the opposite corner. I yelled out, "HEY! What the hell are these marks on the controller?!?" He came out of his room and said guiltily, "Uhhh, yeah. Those are teeth marks. I hate that FUCKING clowd castle level."

Some are throwers. That day, I learned that others are biters.