Monday, April 03, 2006

Video Game Rage (aka The Fine Art of Controller Abuse)

Hi, my name is Mister Bling, and I'm a 'thrower.' I'm in recovery, and have gone almost a full year without throwing a controller. Well, there was a recent incident when I 'intentionally dropped' my Guitar Hero controller, but that was not a malicious 'throw.' So I'm saying technically, I've had one relapse. Before that, I'd had a streak of four or five years, but I played God of War last summer, and spent almost an hour trying to get past the spinning blade columns in Hades. Got to where I could see the top of the second cliff, and then fell all the way down. Five seconds later, my cats scattered out of the bedroom as pieces of black Sony plastic flew in twenty different directions. I screamed to the heavens, "GODDAMN YOU, DAVID JAFFE! RIDE THOSE SPINNAS UP YOUR ASS!" After coming to my senses, I finished the game, and even found the strength to defeat all ten Challenges of the Gods. And WOW, was the last one tough. Took me about three hours. I know how long it took, because I taped it. But I did not throw again after that. I screamed until I'd almost lost my voice, but no throwing.

Before that, the last time I 'threw' was after college, and I was playing Gameday 98 on the PS1. Last game of the season. I was the Broncos, playing the Oilers. Undefeated season so far, 15-0. Then as time expires, Warren "Wife-Beater" Moon airs out an 80-yard load of bullshit and connects to a WR who was triple-covered in the end zone. Other than no cats to scurry away from the debris, the results were similar. I remember when I moved out of that house, and found the triangle button.

Then there was Street Fighter II Turbo:


Yup, the guy on the right was me. I think there is still a controller-sized hole in the wall at my dad's house. Fortunately, SNES controllers were about as sturdy as the NES ones. They made more 'rattling' noise after a couple of throws, as the internal plastic casing seemed to break apart easier, but I never had a button pop out, and I still own my two original SNES controllers, and they still work fine.

But one of my favorite controller abuse stories came from a roommate right after college. He had the day off of work, and I had my old NES set up in the living room (we used to make Arch Rivals and Track & Field into video drinking games). He spent the whole day playing Rygar. When I came home from work that night, he was in his room, and the TV was off, so I'd assumed that he beat it. Jealous of all the quality gaming time I'd missed, I decided to play a little. When I picked up the controller, I noticed that there were small indentations on a corner of it. Upon further examination, I saw that they were in the shape of a semi-circle. Then I flipped it over, and saw the same thing on the opposite corner. I yelled out, "HEY! What the hell are these marks on the controller?!?" He came out of his room and said guiltily, "Uhhh, yeah. Those are teeth marks. I hate that FUCKING clowd castle level."

Some are throwers. That day, I learned that others are biters.

6 comments:

CowboyLaw said...

I did the same thing to my SNES controller. Actually, I threw it around a little bit when I played SF Turbo. That damn Jamaican SOB! WHY CAN'T HE JUST DIE??????

Since moving up to the PS2, I've done a lot less controller hurling.

Lord Bling said...

On the Xbox 360, I'm too in love with the controller to throw it. The wireless is a thing of beauty.

Plus, it's $50 to replace one.

miles said...

The Xbox 360(yes...) controller seems a little too fragile and thus easy to crush under the pressure of my gorilla mits. I have deferred my controller throwing ability to smashing the side of my sofa armrest when I throw an entire clip of double SMG's on a guy and he kills me in 2 battle rifle rounds, or whenever I played Ninja Gaiden.

Lord Bling said...

In the Xbox version of Ninja Gaiden, I got to the ninjas who throw the shuriken bombs before I said, 'Fuck this,' and traded it back to the game store. I'm told that the game gets MUCH harder after that. Thankfully, I wouldn't know. Those developers at Team Ninja are straight-up ASSHOLES. Try playing DOA4 for an hour without cussing. Im-fucking-possible.

Oh, and Cowboylaw, the Jamaican SOB wasn't in SF2Turbo. His first appearance was in Super Street Fighter 2. Just, you know ... 'for the record.'

Miles said...

for the record...you are ghey for Street Fighter.

I beat Ninja Gaiden. That should go on my gamerscore considering how fucking hard it is just on the 'ho hum' pud-easy level. Actually, the final boss is easier than your mom after a glass of boxed wine.

Lord Bling said...

Mmmmmmmmmmm. Franzia.