Monday, April 10, 2006
Convention Survival 101
Some of you may have noticed that I didn't post anything for the last week. Mister Bling kept the fun rolling with several kick ass posts, as always. The rumors that I had diarrhea and couldn't leave the bathroom or that Leptodactylus and I were in Miami strangling prostitutes are not true at least that's what our lawyers told us to say.
For the last week, Leptodactylus and I were in Minneapolis for a convention which is where CowboyLaw lives. And we're happy to report that the city is still standing and any pregnant cheerleaders, even the entire squad that happened to be staying on the same floor of our hotel, would be purely coincidental. Seriously.
The convention Lepto and I attended is one of the largest in our industry. Manufacturers have huge parties with open bar to reward us for our loyalty and unethical behavior. Here are some wonderful tips that can help you to survive your next convention:
1) Don't attend ANY seminars/discussions/presentations- Attending these events takes time away from what you should be doing at a convention, which is drinking free hootch and sleeping it off. "Borrow" a fellow attendee's continuing education sheet, if you need to prove that you were there to your employer.
2) Watch out for Convention Cougars - You know these ladies. A good friend from Canada introduced me to the term "Cougar", as it refers to a woman over 35 who preys on younger men. Suburban soccer moms, bored to tears with driving their minivans in concentric circles around their gated communities 362 days a year. The other three days a year they're at conventions hitting the open bars just like the rest of us. As the night progresses, they get rascally, and there aren't enough tranquilizer guns in the neighboring counties to keep these ladies' hands to themselves. When they spot a midget, things can get very very ugly.
3) Play the Leptodactylus/Ryan the Angry Midget Convention Contest Game with Fellow Attendees - Here's how it works- most conventions require you to calculate the number hours of continuing education a person gets while attending, at least every one I've ever been to. To make sure that everyone, even that loser Diane in Accounting, is getting the most out of the convention, you institute the following scoring system in order to calculate the winner:
a) Take your total continuing education hours - (1.5 CEUs, just for example)
b) Divide that number by the average hours of sleep per night of the convention (3 hours, only an example, really)
c) Give 3 bonus points for each of the following-
-Each 8:00 am presentation/meeting attended
-If someone spontaneously reports that your breath smells like alcohol (another 3 points if this occurs before 10 am).
-Winning ANY award at the conference.
-Get arrested (Another 3 points if you don't get fired for it)
Whomever has the highest point total at the end of the convention gets a case of beer from all other participants. The game rewards people who not only go to courses and presentations, but also those who push themselves to the limits of human endurance.
Just as an aside, I was tired of getting posts in comments about how to make my cock get bigger or where I can access free porn starring the Golden Girls, so I turned on word verification to reduce comment spam. Sorry if this is hard for anyone.