Lord Bling's 2008 Oscar picks: Now with 25% more hate!)

The Oscar nominees were named this morning, and frankly, I'm a little pissed that Rambo didn't get a nod for Best Foreign Language Film. Seriously, I need a Rosetta Stone to understand half of what Stallone says in his movies, and now that he's 61 years old, I don't see it getting any better. I can even understand Arnold better than him, and to most people, Arnold sounds like THIS.

A couple of other things to get off my chest before I name my Oscar picks for the major categories. First, Heath Ledger is dead, and Paris Hilton still walks the earth. We live in sad times. Second, the Ebert picture I posted above makes me laugh, but honestly, I miss the guy. He needs to get back on his show, Ebert and Roeper. I'm glad he's now writing print reviews, but the sooner he gets his speaking ability back, the sooner he can return to TV and demote that smarmy fuck Roeper back to second-string status. Also, thanks are due to warm_machine for helping me figure out how to shadow the text in the above picture.

Okay, Oscar stuff. I've been out of the film industry for two years now, so I don't have the same insight that I used to have. Basically, what I'm saying is I'm making excuses before the fact. However, I won the office Oscar pool last year, and I worked with a bunch of film geeks, so don't write me off. But two years is a long time, and so you all have an even better chance of beating me. Just don't get online with me on Call of Duty 4. I will bring your entire world crashing down. Well, everyone who reads this site on a regular basis, at least. Okay, maybe except for Miles. He's pretty good.

Adapted Screenplay
“Atonement”
“Away from Her”
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood"

Even though the Coens already have a Best Screenplay Oscar for Fargo, I don't see how they can lose this one. However, I could see Atonement having an outside chance. It didn't get nearly as many nods as I thought it would, so this might be the only major one it gets.

Original Screenplay
“Juno”
“Lars and the Real Girl”
“Michael Clayton”
“Ratatouille”
“The Savages”

Here's where I think Juno will get its validation. However, if Michael Clayton wins this, it'll be a good indicator of how the night will go for that film.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War"
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild”
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

Bardem HAS to take this one. Talk about a creepy motherfucker. I'll give Hal Holbrook the outside shot, since he's had a long and storied career, and Hollywood likes to reward those with token awards when they get a chance (see also: Michael Caine). Casey Affleck won't win an Oscar because of his name. The Academy voters probably still regret giving his brother one. Even though Good Will Hunting is a really good film, has he done anything worth half a shit since then? Lemme check: Nope. If he's being anything but a USDA-Prime asshole in a film, it's a minor miracle. In fact, he's another in the countless reasons why I'm rooting against the Patriots in the Super Bowl this year.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster”
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone”
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

This is a tough one. I'm gonna go with Tilda Swinton, but that's mainly because I think Michael Clayton is gonna walk away with the most awards. The only sure thing here is that Cate Blanchett won't win another Oscar for the rest of her life. If she does, it'll be because she TRULY deserves it, and not like The Aviator. Her Kate Hepburn impression was nails on a chalkboard, but apparently, it was Oscar-worthy. I call it the Renee Zellweger Effect.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah”
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”

Holy shit. Viggo actually has a chance! He IS great in the film, but there are some BIG names ahead of him. The one thing he has going for him is Clooney, Day-Lewis, and Jones all have statues already, and I doubt they'll give Depp one for acting weird in yet another Tim Burton movie, no matter how many songs he sings. But still, Depp is the 'it' guy in Hollywood, so you never know. I'm gonna go with Viggo, but I'll be surprised if they actually give it to him.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
Julie Christie in “Away from Her”
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose”
Laura Linney in “The Savages”
Ellen Page in “Juno”

If there is any justice, Julie Christie will win. Her performance in 'Away from Her' is truly heartbreaking. However, there is no justice in Hollywood. I know this because Uwe Boll keeps making movies. So, I'll make her the outside pick. Laura Linney is my pick to win it. She's consistently great. I don't see them giving it to Ellen Page, no matter how good she was, and getting nominated is as good as a win for Marion Cotillard. Cate Blanchett? Yeah, I think I covered her already.

Achievement in Directing
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

It's hard to bet against No Country in this one. Juno and Diving Bell were both made by relative noobies, and Michael Clayton was made by a first-timer. If any of those three win this award, I hope Martin Scorsese goes on a shooting spree on Mulholland Drive. And by shooting, I don't mean film.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
“Atonement”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

This group scares me the most. I'm gonna pick No Country for Old Men, but I really have no idea. In recent years, the Academy has made some weird choices for Best Picture. Crash? Give me a fucking break. I'm a pretty liberal person, but even I can see that Crash was a bunch of preachy, hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbayaa bullshit. Million Dollar Baby? If the corner man could've picked up the stool like he was supposed to, the film wouldn't have had a reason to exist. And don't get me started on Shakespeare in Love. There is no possible reason why Saving Private Ryan should've lost to that bullshit, other than the Weinsteins were so powerful at that point in their career that they could've bought all of Sunset Boulevard, much less a gold statue. Wasn't Ben Affleck in that film too?


/shakes head

Post your picks for the winners in the comment section. The winner gets a date with Ben, and gonorrhea, in that order. Good luck!