Friday, January 11, 2008

Pub Crawl Survival Tips

Only about 30 hours left until the Benson Pub Crawl 2008, so I thought I would post some lessons learned from previous adventures (See Exhibits A and B).

1) Pace yourself - This is probably the most important piece of advice in anything you do in your life: getting through college, sex, marriage, and of course, pub crawls. Last year's Benson crawl would have been more enjoyable for a certain friend of mine, who I will refer to as the Hebrew Hammer, if we had not started the crawl with the following drinks in the first 15 minutes:
Double Captain and Coke
Jager Bomb
Unless you want to go to bed earlier than your babysitter is putting your kids to sleep, avoid what I now refer to as a "suicide start".

2) Avoid lengthy discussions with surly regulars - Bar crawls that take you to fancy bars that have a cover charge can get expensive. Plus, why pay to hang out with a bunch of douchebags your own age, when there's a bar right around the corner where you can hang out with douchebags your parents' age for free. Becuase of this, some of the best and worst things that happened in previous crawls were directly related to someone trying to be friendly, and start a conversation with one of the natives. If you do not heed this warning, you may be exposed to the following:
- A biker's bare ass
- Highly slurred insults and profanity
- Proof that if you ever become severely brain damaged from a head injury, that you can always hang out in a local bar and harass pub crawlers.

3) Observe the code of silence - One of the most psychologically damaging effects on bar patrons and staff who are not part of a pub crawl is the sudden influx of humanity that a well-promoted crawl can bring to a bar. You can double mindfuck these poor bastards by denying any relationship between the 40 people who simultaneously ended up in the bar. It makes them think there was an invasion or something, and when all parties involved deny association, it makes them feel like they are in a David Lynch movie. But, not the one with the hot lesbian sex.

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