Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Corporate Lessons I Have Learned

Nothing beats a pointless staff meeting to start off another week at Bob's House of Shit (aka your job)

It dawned on me recently that I've been a member of the American work force for about the last 14 years. Before starting my actual career, I was a produce guy, cashier, grocery bagger, night stocker, music associate, assistant loss prevention manager, librarian, and even pollster. I have worked since I was legally able to have a work permit, and even worked a little before that. By the time I've finished working, I will have about 50 years of work experience, assuming I don't hit the Powerball or something. All I can tell is work sucks, and these important lessons:

1) If someone at your job says "I don't want to re-invent the wheel...", what they are actually saying is that they want to copy something that you already did and take credit for it because they're lazy and useless.

2) Meetings about productivity are completely ironic. Here we are, sitting in a room together, not working, so our boss can tell us how much more we need to work. Want to increase productivity? Cancel all those fucking meetings. Maybe then I could actually do what you hired me to do, since I don't remember meeting attendee in any of the job description I read.

3) Managers without exception suck at their profession. If they were good at what they did, they'd still be doing it and not managing. The exceptions are managers who never worked in a given profession that they are supervising. These managers actually do a much better job than the jack-offs who are supposed to understand your job. Go figure.

4) Employers do not understand motivation. Do you think buying me a fucking clock that I wouldn't buy for my worst enemy's grandmother or a corporate coffee mug that some 4 year-old Cambodian child made for thirty cents will motivate me to do a better job each day? How about more money and more time away from my job? That's what I call employee appreciation, not a party sub from Quiznos and a slap on the ass.

5) Co-workers that you like will inevitably leave, while co-workers that you would murder if given the opportunity will never leave your job. I work with several women who are obnoxious, evil skanks, and I can't keep my friends Brenwah and Lepto at my side.

6) Any attempt to improve processes, procedures or efficiency will not be rewarded. People who do the bare minimum, hide in their offices, and define mediocrity will get raises, promotions, and will be regarded by management as a team player.

7) Team player is synonymous with bitch-ass punk loser. If the people at your job were a team, they would be the Buffalo Bills.

8) The greater your salary is relative to those who work around you, the more incompetant you must be. Ever notice how the people who get paid the least are the only people actually working? Don't say they've earned it either. Just because your Dad is the hospital administrator doesn't mean you earned shit.

9) You will always have someone old and cranky at your job, no matter what it is. The White House has Dick Cheney. The Supreme Court has Scalia. It must be part of the Constitution that every department and every job description on Earth must have at least one cranky, old person, who reminds you why Oregon allows assisted suicide.

10) People in accounting who do your expense reports for trips are jealous, punitive little whores. So what if I drank 4 double Jack and Cokes with my dinner. SO WHAT IF IT WAS MY ENTIRE DINNER. I don't know Latin very well anymore, but last time I checked, per diem doesn't mean "only food".

6 comments:

miles said...

/Hastings.

Lord Bling said...

Hastings doesn't give per diems. Otherwise, yeah.

NIN said...

Is it just me or does that dude in the back corner wearing the red shirt look a little like Lord Bling?

CowboyLaw said...

Ms. CowboyLaw, the manager with the MBA, disagrees with discrete portions of your post. I leave it to you to figure out which.

The solution for item 10, no comp for liquor, is easily solved. I have not turned in an itemized receipt from a restaurant for years. I have found that accounting is always willing to accept my credit card slip, where I signed, which lists the total and the tip, without disclosing what individual food and/or beverage items went into the total.

Lord Bling said...

Is it just me, or does the redhead in the sleeveless black dress look a little like NIN?

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

Damn,

I tried to be careful because I knew Mrs. CowboyLaw (aka GPA) is one of those managers that actually does a fantastic job. Her original background was not in business, and therefore, despite her advanced training in business, she is exempt from my management comment.

Also, come back to me and have this discussion again if your wife ever works in a hospital. Seriously. It's like a Dr. Suess book with morons in place of all the Whos.