Wednesday, August 02, 2006

They must grow good weed in Omaha.

First off, I never lived in Denver. I lived in smelly-ass Greeley, same as you. And what does a kid in a Howdy Doody hat have to do with Dallas? I haven't seen anyone wearing a cowboy hat in this town in almost four years. And when I moved here, my penis grew four inches overnight, so the saying IS true. Either that, or it was the spam e-mail I responded to. Who knew those things actually worked? I'm now the proud owner of a four-and-a-half-inch penis!

You make a valid point about the cost of living in Seattle versus Omaha. However, you fail to mention why there is such a difference. I will go ahead and tell you why: NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE IN OMAHA. When I watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time, I could've sworn they filmed it there. Granted, Dallas isn't exactly a cultural Mecca, but it has plenty of things to do. A national art museum. Every type of live music known to man (well, maybe not Tuvan throat singing). Every professional U.S. spectator sport imaginable. Six Flags. Lots of cool independent mom-and-pop record and video stores. If you're into having kids, Plano and Frisco have some of the best schools in the nation. Twenty-three Fortune 500 companies for employment. I could go on, but I'm starting to feel like I work for the fucking D/FW Chamber of Commerce. But to wrap that argument up, I offer Exhibit A. According to that site, the Omaha area is 'Metro.' When I was trapped in ... ERRR, visited your fine city, I didn't see a single Metrosexual.

Seriously speaking, remember when we used to go to Denver or Boulder to see some sweet live shows? It was less than an hour drive. Now how far would you have to drive to see The Aquabats, or the Family Values Tour? Isn't it about three hours to Kansas City? Since I bought a house here, my drive into downtown Dallas is about 20 minutes. Cost of living aside, you can't deny that it's a great convenience to be close to so many sources of entertainment.

Okay, so we're pretty good friends, and I'm obviously giving you a hard time about leaving Seattle. I thought it was really beautiful there. Having said that, I do understand where you're coming from. I know that most of your wife's family lives there, and you went to college there and have friends in the area. Perhaps I've been a little too harsh on Omaha because it reminds me of my own hometown, and how much I hate small-town America. But you fired back with a brief 'make fun of Texas' post. Predictable, but still disappointing.

So instead, let's look at the things we have in common. I'll join you in making fun of our mentally-handicapped president (even though he's actually from the Northwest), and Vince Young and his fantastic Wonderlic skills (just spelling your name correctly gets you five points). And I know you'd join me in making fun of the fact that Alexander Payne can't walk outside his front door in Omaha without getting mobbed, and of all the former Nebraska football players who are now in prison or on parole. Politically, Nebraska and Texas aren't that far off. In 2004, Nebraska had a higher percentage of people voting for Bush than Texas did (66% versus 61%). Two human beings of the same sex can't get married in either of these redneck, backwards, homophobic states. And, we both have to go across a border to gamble, as if there aren't any Native Americans in Nebraska or Texas.

Finally, my brief defense for moving. I went from being a glorified video stock boy in Greeley (not Denver), making seven bucks an hour, to where I am now ... working for one of those Fortune 500 companies, making plenty more than I'm worth ... to play video games. This is an important point, so for those of you who may have forgotten your glasses, I will repeat it, in annoying capitalized and bolded letters. I PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR A LIVING. Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face while typing that? So do I have any regrets? None whatsofuckingever. I love Colorado, and I'm gonna end up back there some day, but until then, I'm gonna ride this 'buyer' thing out for as far as it takes me. Wouldn't you?

3 comments:

Lord Bling said...

I've gotten everything off my chest on this topic, so if you post a rebuttal to my rebuttal to your rebuttal, I won't post another one. Four will be plenty. Plus, I think this is taking away from the SERIOUS issues of our time. No, not Israel or Darfur ... THIS:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,206746,00.html

How in the fuck could someone write this and be serious?!?

miles said...

Dude is your Fortune 500 company hiring?

Lord Bling said...

No, but they're always firing!