Saturday, February 26, 2005

An Update for Fundamentalist Christians!

Eat me where I pee. I can safely say that you are to blame for much of what is wrong in our country. You may have been the difference between a drunken cowboy and a drunken Yankee in the 2004 election, but really it's much more serious than that.

You see, much of the hate and evil that is propagated upon our country is the direct result of your seemingly exclusive club. You don't approve of homosexuality. Ok, so why embrace the Klan like the second cousin you never slept with at a family reunion?

You promote Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ for the entire Christian family, an incredibly violent film, and dismiss Copolla's Last Temptation of Christ as blasphemy? I get it.

Evolution is something that is not to be taught in schools. I don't think that God believes in science either.

Abortion should be illegal, because killing the innocent is wrong. However, let's kill poor, minorities, who cannot afford legal representation significantly more often than we kill those who can.

That's what I call consistency.

1 comment:

CowboyLaw said...

Amen, brother. My primary complaint is that fundamentalist Christians are really not Christians at all. Let's keep in mind the fundamental teachings of Christianity:
1. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
2. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle that for a wealthy man to pass into heaven (so, don't be a greedy bastard).
3. Give generously to the poor and needy.
4. Love thy neighbor as you love yourself.
5. Forgive everybody for everything, so they will forgive you for being such an asshole.

Now, let's look at how fundamentalist Christians implement these Christian fundamentals:

1. Condemn everybody, esp. queers, feminazis, communists, hippies, blacks, and Jews (and, really, everyone else who doesn't subscribe to exactly the same franchise of Christianity that you do). God loves it when you help Him out by pointing out the Hell-bound.
2. The one with the most toys when he/she dies, wins. Make as much as possible, flaunt it.
3. Screw the poor. It's their fault they're poor, after all. Plus, many of them are among the people we hate (see #1 above).
4. Get a burglar alarm and a vicious dog. Other people are highly suspicious, for two reasons: first, because you've implemented #2; second, because there are so many #1-type people walking around.
5. Who are you kidding?

Bottom line: these people make me embarrased to say I'm a Christian. It's like admitting I'm a lawyer. Maybe we could round these people up and send them to some god-forsaken, unexplored hinterland.

Oh, wait, the English, French, and Germans already did that....