Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Legislative Aides are Giant Douchebags (The Angry Midget Returns from Washington DC)

The trip to Washington, DC was great. I stayed in a great hotel and the weather wasn't too terrible. The downside was meetings from dawn until night each day and my trip to Capitol Hill to visit my Congressmen on Friday. I met with three different Legislative Aides (LA), two for Republicans (Hagel and Terry) and one for a Democrat (Nelson). I made some observations that I think will be helpful if you should decide to make similar efforts.

1) LAs egos are inversely proportional to how intelligent they are- One of the minimum requirements to be an LA has to be a test where they put you in a room with a puppy for 30 minutes. Congressmen must only hire people who at some point during that 30 minutes kicked the puppy across the room. If you think Congressmen are scary, try to have a conversation about IDEA funding with a 23 year-old kid whose single accomplishment in life is having parents who are campaign donors and a full set of adult teeth. The great thing about being in that position is that these jackasses have absolutely no perspective on the greater world around them, yet they are responsible for summarizing the information you provide to your Congressmen.

2) Ever wonder what happened to your high school debate team? - Probably not. But, one of two possibilities, they are either huge stars in the porn industry (like CowboyLaw and myself) or they are an LA for your Congressmen.

3) Want a glimpse of what the future of congress will be, call your LA: Not surprsingly, most of these ding dongs have aspirations that include running for public office at some point. These guys are just as WASPy as the rest of my state, which is frightening. If Congress doesn't work out, there's always opportunity for these individuals as hair sweeper at Great Clips, which has thousands of locations for potential employment.

All in all, it was a productive trip.


Lord Bling said...

Maybe your platform with these people shouldn't have been 'Legalize Meth.'

Oh, and this thread is worthless without pics.

Anonymous said...

I wondered how it was the CowboyLaw could afford to buy me all those little things! Now I know -- he's in midget porn with you! I've heard it's a fast growing industry, so that's a good thing -- job security, career advancement, etc, etc.

mrs ben