Why you really can't be all that Pro Life

My Daddy forgot to pull out

The problem with moral absolutes, like being Pro Life for example, is that they make lousy foundations for moral and ethical beliefs, because it's so damned hard to be a human being and actually be 100% Pro Life. You'll see what I mean here in just a second.

First of all, the assumption if you're Pro Life is that every single human life has value. Some might say animal lives can be included here, but the double burger I ate for dinner says otherwise. Let's keep this simple, however, and just stick to the widely held belief that if you are Pro Life that you believe in the sanctity of human life.

Problem 1 is that anyone who voted for President Bush can't be Pro Life. He single handedly oversaw the execution of over 100 death row inmates while Governor of Texas, not to mention all innocent people who have died during the continued occupation of Iraq. You can support President Bush all you want and I am Ok with that, but please stop saying you're Pro Life, because if you believed in the sanctity of life, you wouldn't have voted for the original governator. That's like Rush Limbaugh saying he's Pro Hillary Clinton.

Problem 2 comes along with Catholics, and anyone else who has used pulling out or natural family planning as a method of birth control. Turns out, that the rhythm method, which I had previously assumed meant having sex with a black person, probably results in more dead embryos than abortion, because people have sex at the fringes of fertility, when pregnancies are most likely to fail. More details on that here.

Problem 3 arises for any of the remaining Pro Life crowed that didn't vote for Bush and aren't Catholic. Do you believe in immunizations as a health policy? Who doesn't? You see, the problem with immunizations is that we know that by immunizing everybody when they're children, there is a very small risk that a few kids will die every year from their immunizations. But Ryan, immunizations save thousands of lives every year? Welcome to Utilitarian Decision-Making 101. If you think a few dead kids every year is worth preventing the return of small pox and polio, you can't be Pro Life. You're putting your own well-being above the risk that some innocent children may die, so that we all don't have to work about things that used to wipe people out like crazy.

And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't go around telling people how Pro Life you are. The bottom line is that unless you didn't vote for President Bush, never have sex, and don't get your shots, you can't really be Pro Life. And even then, I would argue that you're not Pro Life because you're putting your own life ahead of society's well-being by not getting your God damned shots.

See how tricky ethics can be in real life? Better head down to church and start praying.

War for territory!

So when's the last time you saw a good baseball fight? I remember a minor league player who did a side snap kick and hit a catcher square in the chest, but that was like six or seven years ago, at least. Most of the time, one punch is thrown, maybe it lands, maybe it doesn't, and then both benches clear, and a lot of pushing and posturing occurs. Saturday on the south side of Chicago was no different. A.J. Pierzynski of the White Sox collided with Michael Barrett of the Cubs on a play at the plate. It was a clean play, and those things happen in baseball. But then, Pierzynski made a show of slapping home plate, then stood up, looked Barrett in the eye, and walked right into him, bumping him. Now, regardless of the sport, you should never show another player up, especially after you just knocked him off his feet. However, that's just what Pierzynski did. So Barrett grabbed him, and:


Should he have hit him? No, of course not. But if you're gonna punch another grown man, make sure you connect squarely. Barrett's was more of a glancing blow, and was just enough to get Pierzynski's attention. Why half-ass it like that? You're gonna get suspended and fined by the MLB front office, so why not take a full wind-up, and cold-cock a motherfucker?

Kermit Washington.

Mr. Washington leads me to my point. What is it about human nature? We like to see fights, but we don't want to see anyone get hurt. NASCAR is more popular than ever, and car crashes are a big part of the initial draw, but Dale Earndhart Sr. dies in a wreck, and some people still talk about how sad it is that he's gone. He died doing what he loved. What's sad about that? Our media shows people shooting guns at other people on an hourly basis, but they almost never show the ones who actually get hit with those bullets. And don't get me started on the censorship of the flag-draped coffin photographs.

If anything good can come out of that fight last Saturday, it'll be that maybe some kid somewhere will realize that there are consequences for your actions. If you show up another person, especially in public, there's a chance that that person will take offense, and react with violence. It may not be the right thing for them to do, but it still happens. So if you're gonna be a dick to someone, be prepared to deal with the consequences.

The Da Vinci Chode

Ron Howard sold out due to pressure from albinos

I went to see The Da Vinci Code last night, and I was disappointed on a number of levels. I really shouldn't be, since I didn't think the book was all that fantastic to begin with. I'll never understand why people read mediocre books like The Da Vinci Code by the millions, but I can't find anyone who has read Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan. The Da Vinci code's wide appeal is likely related to the fact that it's written at a 2nd grade reading level, but I'm not here to tell you about the book.

One of the redeeming things about the book is that it presents ideas, unoriginal as they might be, that challenge conventional religious beliefs. The book pissed a lot of stupid religious folks off, mostly because they don't understand the distinction between fiction and non-fiction. You can spot these people on the street because they're completely paranoid that Darth Vader and the Orcs from Lord of the Rings are real. And they have Bush/Cheney stickers on their car bumpers.

The bottom line is that while the Da Vinci Code was formulaic and filled with cliches, the book is still fun to read because it's written like a screenplay. For one thing, you can read the entire thing in about 2 hours (the movie clocks in just under 2 1/2 hours). As the reader, you find yourself thinking about the characters and who would play them in a movie, what they would look like, and how they would act. One thing I never expected was this shit:

Don't get me wrong. Tom Hanks is a fine actor, but just between you and me I felt like he had based his character on Al Gore. He was so boring and uninspired. I realize that Hollywood isn't going to cast Gary Coleman as Robert Langdon simply because that's who I pictured when I read the book, but seriously? Why didn't you just have Ashton Kutcher or that guy who played Stiffler in the American Pie movies play him. Tom Hanks was completely vapid.

You'd also think if the book was essentially written for the specific purpose of screen adaptation, that whomever had to write the screenplay for this dog of a movie wouldn't have had much work to do. Instead of taking something that would have been perfectly fine the way it was, the screenwriter may as well have been David Mamet, because they took what could have been quite action-packed, and created a dialogue-driven film. Except David Mamet is generally a good writer. I don't know who the screenwriter is for the Da Vinci code because I was asleep by the time the credits rolled, but whoever it was had the easiest job in the world and fucked it up.

As if this weren't bad enough, they inserted a chunk of dialogue delivered by Al Gore, I mean Tom Hanks that is not in the book in order the defuse the religious controversy surrounding the film. Essentially, Tom Hanks says that the whole premise of the movie that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and had a baby with her may or may not be true. Perhaps because I am a cynical bastard when it comes to religion, I have a hard time figuring out how whether or not Jesus was married and fucked someone affects a person's religious beliefs. Have you ever fucked someone? Does that make you a naughty boy/girl? Then don't get your anus all clenched up because someone thinks Jesus might have.

Looking back on the whole experience, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that Ron Howard ruined something that wasn't all that great to begin with. I did see the preview for Miami Vice, however, and that shit looks cool.

Mister Bling's E3 wrap-up

I have returned from E3. I'm still trying to find the brain cells I lost, so please try to bear with the meandering nature of this post. If you're a gamer, it'll be worth it, I promise!

This was my first E3, and hopefully not my last. I learned quite a few things for next year:

1) Don't book almost 30 vendor meetings if you only have two and a half days to conduct them. I had two hours to walk the floor (Wednesday, from 9 to 11 a.m.), and the rest of the time, I was in either in a meeting, or running to one.

2) Morgan Webb was just as hot in person as she is on TV. She looked much more pale than I was expecting, but that only proves she is indeed a gamer. I took a few pics, but none of them turned out very well. 2a) Buy a better digital camera before next year's show.

3) The resolve of some fanboys is beyond belief. Here are a few of them, camped out, waiting for the next showing of the Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer:


I would've taken a picture of the line to play the Nintendo Wii, but I was busy picking my jaw up off of the show floor. The average wait in that line was four hours. Just to get five minutes with the system. Since the company I work for deals directly with Nintendo, I was able to get into their VIP room for some hands-on time. And it's pretty cool. But it ain't THAT cool.

4) The money that video game companies spend on their booths is insane. We met with Vivendi about two months ago, and they showed us an artist's rendering of what their Scarface booth would look like, and I thought they were kidding.


They weren't. I was expecting Tony himself to burst out of the doors at the top.

5) Don't buy new dress shoes less than a week before the show. Either that, or rent a midget to carry you around. Ryan, I'm sure I could get you into next year's show, if you're interested.

6) Thanks to Sony, I now know that only one thing is cooler than an open bar, and that is an open bar with a DJ spinning records on top of it.


7) First-person shooters on the Nintendo Wii sound like a great idea, but they're not. After spending five minutes with Red Steel, my right arm started to hurt from holding the controller towards the screen. And I'm probably in better shape than the average Nintendo fanboy.

8) Not only should you not drink the water, apparently now you're not supposed to even LIVE in downtown L.A.:


That was posted by the cab stand outside my hotel. Is a three-night stay long enough to kill a 185-pound human?

9) French people may make great video games, but most of them are still really rude.

10) Get less sleep. Of the 72 hours I spent there, I slept for almost ten of them. Waste not, want not.

And the games. Oh, the wonderful games. I played a few, and saw even more. The best games I saw or played, in order:

1) Gears of War. Cliff Bleszinski demoed it live at the Microsoft post-press conference party, and it was stunning. Microsoft hinted at a September or October release, which would be great news.

2) Assassin's Creed. This one should be out in Q1 of next year, so it won't be a PS3 launch title, but from what we saw demoed for us (in that hot little white plastic square room), this will be a must-own.

3) John Woo Presents Stranglehold. The name 'John Woo' doesn't mean what it did 10 years ago, but by returning to the story line of one of his most famous pre-American films, he might be doing us all a favor. This game is meant to be a direct sequel to Hard Boiled, and while it plays a lot like Max Payne, let's not forget where Max Payne (and The Matrix) borrowed a lot of its influence. I got to play Stranglehold for about five minutes (in the tea house level), and I didn't want to put it down. Right trigger fires, and the left trigger interacts with the environment. I was sliding down hand rails and diving over tables in no time. November can't come soon enough.

4) Bioshock. It may look like another first-person shooter, but it's nowhere near that simple. The story looks like it's going to be classy, and yet creepy at the same time. If you were a fan of System Shock 2, you'll know what the developers of this one are capable of.

5) Tekken: Dark Resurrection. I was worried that the PSP wasn't the best format for this series, but I was wrong. It plays like buttah. The load times were even bearable, which is saying something. Ever since I got bored with Soul Caliber 2, I've fallen out of 'fighting game fanboy' status, but this one might bring me back.

I was also impressed with how the following games are coming along:

WWE Smackdown Vs. Raw 2007
NCAA Football 2007
Call of Duty 3
NBA 2K7
The Darkness
Army of Two (Buggy, but they have a ton of time to clean up the issues, and it's looking really pretty, even this early)
Guitar Hero 2 (If it ain't broke, don't fix it. They also added practice mode and co-op play, with separate rhythm, lead, and bass lines. And it will have Primus's 'John the Fisherman' on it)

And I regret not getting to spend any time with the following games:

God of War 2 (it was horrifyingly under-represented on the floor)
Golden Axe
Alan Wake
Haze

Well, that should do it. There were hundreds of other games on the floor, but not enough time or space to write about them. IGN, Gamespot, and 2old2play all have fantastic coverage, so if there's a specific game you want to read about, one of them will most definitely have it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put my feet up...

In Omaha this weekend? Hide your farm animals.

Did any of you ever see that movie The Perfect Storm, where Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch go on a three hour tour and get lost at sea? I wish the New Kids on the Block had been along for the ride with every copy of their album on board. Anyway, this weekend, Omaha is going to experience something akin to The Perfect Storm, except that it has little if anything to do with the weather.

It all started when my good friend, we'll call him Sancho to protect his identity, decided to move to Seattle to be with his number one ladyfriend. Right now, he lives in the Midwest, which is convenient for his friends, but not when you want to get funky with your ladyfriend down by the fire. In celebration of his decision to move to Seattle, Sancho is coming to Omaha this weekend to party and relive old times, when neither of us had permanent ladyfriends and people described us as drunks.

As if that weren't enough, another friend from Canada, we'll call him Anderson Cooper to protect his identity, caught wind of this reunion and decided to join in the fandango.

So we have a Canadian bringing us Canadian beer from the north combining with warmer air from the South, which is going to run into moist air coming down from Madison, WI. It really is a perfect storm. If you have daughters or pets, I would suggest sending them to Florida for the weekend, because I cannot be held responsible for what might happen this weekend.

If there are mug shots or emergency room photos, I will post them here on Tuesday, when the system is expected to move on over cold water and lose strength.

Global Warming? I Thought the President Said that was Just a Left Wing Hoax to Ruin the US Economy?

"All that blue doesn't look warm to me...." President Bush

From the New York Times comes a story that I thought I would never see, a consortium of scientists commissioned by the Bush Administration to study the varying tropospheric climate data produced by different groups of scientists has reached a conclusion that:

"the lower atmosphere was indeed growing warmer and that there was "clear evidence of human influences on the climate system."

The Bush Administration has yet to officially comment on what this will mean in terms of an actual environmental policy, but if their approach to rising gas prices is any indication, I think Bush and his buddies will probably just write all this scientifically supported global climate change off as "the usual increase in temperature we experience at the beginning of every summer."

Just as I have serious doubts that Bush will do anything to endanger the record-high profits of his bedfellows in the oil and gas industry by doing anything about gas prices, I also have serious doubts that the Bush Administration will take the data provided by the Climate Change Science Program and make changes in US domestic or foreign policy to address what the data shows and what Nelly has been telling us for quite some time about the troposphere of our planet: "It's getting hot in here."

I suppose he could FINALLY agree to ratify the Kyoto Protocol, seeing as how every single other industrialized country, except those Foster's-swilling-shrimp-on-the-barbie douchebags from downunder, has already done so. Just as a foreign policy note, if your country is ever alone in a category with either France or Australia, it might be time to consider a significant policy change.

I doubt very seriously Bush will ratify Kyoto, particularly since the forecast economic collapse that is supposed to accompany limiting emissions of green house gases has completely devastated the other industrialized countries that signed on in 1998. Except if you take into account that those other countries have shown stronger economic growth than the US during that time period. Then again, they didn't have Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies running their country, did they?

If only Granny Clampet were still alive. She'd be so proud.

Sadly, the new data that came out of an initiative by the Bush Administration will be cited by supporters as another example of his excellent environmental record. The problem is, he shouldn't get credit for hiring a bunch of scientists to do a fucking literature review on a topic and then doing nothing about it. Needless to say, I won't be holding my breath to wait for his policy response on this one.

Kung-Fu Mid-Life Crisis -- UPDATE

BREAKING NEWS! I'm not too old for Northern Shaolin kung-fu!

I tried a class at the J.K. Wong Academy last Monday, and while I was the oldest person there at the time, a couple of the teachers are around my age, and age itself never was an issue. Plus, both the teachers and the students were very nice, and willing to help this noob out. So I went back last night (Wednesday) and signed up for three months. I'll see where the journey takes me, but so far, I'm liking it. Northern Shaolin has a lot of kicking, and starting out, a lot of time spent in the Horse stance. My legs aren't used to this, and they're sore in places I didn't even know had muscles. And I love it.

The style I'm studying is specifically called 'Chin Woo.'


There's a lot of good information on the style here, if you're interested. They started showing me the first section of 'Tan Tui', which means 'Springing Legs.' That name would explain why my legs feel like two Slinkys this morning. Here is a diagram of a few of the movements in the first section of Tan Tui, so you can kind of see what it looks like. Of course, this isn't exactly how I'm learning it, as all schools are a little different, but the diagram gives you an idea of what it looks like.

Anyway, enough with the shop-talk. I'm not trying to sell any of you on it. I'm just excited about beginning a new martial arts journey, and while it helps to start when you're young, you're never too old.

America and the Fantastic Immigration Double Standard

Unless you're a member of the Detroit Red Wings and you're too busy getting drunk and beating up your wife because you lost to the 8 seed in the Western Conference quarterfinals of the NHL playoffs, you probably saw the news coverage of the giant demonstrations, protests and other such gatherings associated with "A Day Without Immigrants". Let me say that I have no doubt that President Bush's immigration policy ranks second on the Long List of Complete Shit that President Bush calls "Policy" behind only his foreign policy. Let's be frank, foreing or domestic, Bush's solutions to problems tend to leave a lot to be desired to say the least. It's a sad situation when I have colleagues who are physicians who can't get visas to stay here and work, and yet a member of Al Quida can run a hotdog stand in downtown New York City. That's what I call great policy.

With all this attention on immigrants, the neocons have come out swinging. Complete annoyance Lou Dobbs of CNN has made his opinions known about illegal immigrants. People are even arguing over what term to use to describe them. Some prefer undocumented immigrants, while others prefer illegal aliens. Frankly, both sides of this debate are completely missing the point.

The key issues, which Lou Dobbs actually does highlight between racist remarks in his commentary, have to do with the economy and security. National security is obviously in terrible shape if 8-20 million (depending on who you ask) illegal aliens currently reside in our country. Doesn't this scare anyone besides me and Lou Dobbs? Doesn't it make you wonder what the living fuck the Department of Homeland Security has been up to?

With the economy, we can talk all the trash we want about people being here illegally, but they wouldn't be here if people didn't pay them money to work illegally. By calling them illegal immigrants, we're not recognizing all the illegal, under-the-table employment, that companies are benefiting from. And it's not just the evil corporations who are to blame. If you like the fact that your Avacadoes only cost $1 at the grocery store, thank an illegal immigrant. Because if your white trash cousin Dale Jr. was picking Avacadoes it would probably be twice that, and you wouldn't be happy about it.

Americans are quick to call them illegals and berate these people who really only want to make money, just the same as you and me, but never seem to realize that we all directly benefit from their labor. And it's not just in your local produce department. Service jobs at hotels, groundskeepers for parks, meat packing plants, you name it, illegal immigrants take these jobs to keep profits high for their bosses and prices lower for consumers.

So say whatever the hell you want about illegals or undocumenteds or whatever the fuck you want to call them, but spare me the grief if you're just going to have your car detailed by illegal aliens while munching down on a burrito supreme made by illegal aliens with tomatoes grown and picked by illegal aliens all for the tidy sum of $5. It's time to stop demonizing these people and recognize that we're all willing accomplices in this underground economy.

We can't have it both ways.

Pwn3d.

People who write checks have too much time on their hands

Those of you who know me and probably some of you who don't really know me have come to realize that I get pissed off pretty easily. However, if there is one singular thing that completely makes me want to donkey punch someone in the line at the grocery store, it HAS to be people who persist in writing checks. Did you know that there is groundbreaking technology, developed by scientists and used by millions of people every day, that will allow you to take money out of your checking account without having to spend 15 minutes filling out a useless piece of paper? BEHOLD!

Hopefully, you've all heard of this. There is no longer a single excuse for writing a check in a retail store where you could complete your transaction in 1/1000th of the time it takes you to scrawl your John Hancock on a piece of paper with your favorite fucking Mary Englebright cartoons on it.

For one thing, you have to pay the bank to use checks. Yes, you can get free checks, but 99% of the people who annoy me in retail settings have the patriotic eagle checks or the kittens in soft focus checks or the serial killers of the Midwest checks. That means these ass fucks are purchasing these checks, which they KNOW will eventually waste their time. It's like paying someone to knock you down several times a day.

I am sure there are those of you who are concerned about identity theft. Checks MUST be a safer way to prevent identity theft. Anyone can use your Visa of Mastercard check card and buy billions of dollars worth of Mexican donkey porn. This argument is lame because someone can now do the same thing with a copy of a personal check. Also, have you ever heard of check washing? Nice try, wasters 'o my time.

I've also heard people say that they want to have a record of the transaction, but I guess these people never noticed that receipt thingy you get at the very end of any transaction you have anywhere. I'm surprised you don't get a receipt for taking a dump in a public restroom these days. NEXT.

The final and least defensible retort I have heard while heckling these two-toed sloth-like individuals is that writing checks is the way they've done it for so long, that they don't want to change. You know what I say to that crap? We used to ride horses everywhere, lynch black people, and routinely amputate limbs as medical treatment too, but you don't hear hordes of morons standing around in check-out lines saying "I'm just so used to burning black people in effigy, I just can't imagine doing things any other way." Adapt people!

Brett Favre needs to quit whining and retire already

Brett Favre is regarded by some, particularly those who live in Wisconsin, to be one of the greatest NFL Quarterbacks of all time. I suppose if your sister is the prettiest girl you've ever seen and your dad is the smartest guy you've ever met, I can see how someone could believe that. Otherwise, holding such an opinion puts you in the same category as all those people in Alabama who think NASCAR is a sport. You want an idea for an impossible scavenger hunt? Load up a group of friends and head for Lambeau Field in Green Bay or Taladega Raceway in Alabama and see who can find a person with a full set of teeth.

Lately, Favre has been Mr. Mysterious about whether or not he will retire. You see, getting paid millions of dollars to play football is really tough, particularly when in the previous year, you set career marks for interceptions and losses as Favre did last season. I can't imagine sports talk radio in Wisconsin has gotten off the topic since Favre's last game, January 1st in Green Bay. Those poor cheese chuggers won't know what to do if Favre retires.

What I am tired of is Favre acting like his decision about whether or not to come back and play next year is so damned critical in the grand scheme of things. Farve's obviously been listening to way too many of those Wisconsin talk radio programs and is having delusions about the value of what he does. Aside from setting off waves of domestic violence across Packerland every time he loses a game, what Farve decides to do as far as his career has a miniscule impact on the lives of the average American. Brett is acting like he has to decide whether to wake up tomorrow and cure cancer, when really whether he comes back and sucks or whether the Packers have a new quarterback that might suck a little more or a little less is pretty irrelevant to the grand scheme of things.

Someone should remind Favre that outside of Wisconsin, people have real problems. Millions of people don't have jobs at all. Do you think they care if Favre comes back to play football? I know if I didn't have a job, that would be about the last thing on my mind. How about all those soldiers in Iraq, fighting for their lives? They might be dead the next time Favre takes a snap, so something tells me that they couldn't give two shits if that old, Vicodin-addicted douchebag decides to come back to play another year.

Favre should be happy he's had the talent and the opportunity, and that he's not taking bullets in the ass for Bush over in Iraq or living in a shack, jobless, banging his sister, like so many generations of Favres before him.

Kung-Fu Mid-Life Crisis

I'm about to have another birthday very soon. Not a big deal. In fact, I'd rather people not mention it to me, cuz then I have to be all nice and say, "Thank you," and then they expect me to say it to them when they have theirs, as if we're part of some special club or something. We're not unique and individual snowflakes. Everyone has them. As for me, I'm about to have my 31st. After 25, when your car insurance gets cheaper, there really isn't another important one until 40. Some think 30 is a big one, and I can see why it could be, but personally, it was just another day. I was ready to be out of my 20's long before, because having an office job by 25 took a lot of the party lust out of me. Or maybe it was because I moved away from the Angry Midget. Ryan, if you're reading this, you owe me a new liver. Thanks to you, I lost mine in the tunnels underneath the University of Northern Colorado. And I don't want your liver, motherfucker. You're a doctor. Fine me one that hasn't been playing 'Whiskey Sponge.'

But all of that is neither here nor there. The reason I bring up age is because someone brought it up to me yesterday. First, some background. I studied a form of kung-fu called Wing Chun for about a year and a half, but my teacher was certified to teach both Wing Chun as well as an old form of Kali called Pekiti Tersia, and he decided to quit WC and focus on Pekiti. I felt abandoned, but I couldn't blame him for his decision. Martial arts is truly a journey, and his took him down a different path. Needless to say, other than a two-month try at a form of Praying Mantis, I've been out-of-practice for about two years now. But I've been feeling the internal itch once again, and a different itch from the one I get every few months or so.

So, I went to observe a Shaolin Long-Fist class this past Sunday morning. I've always been interested in the different Shaolin styles, and supposedly, Long Fist is great for tall people. I'm 6'3'' and lanky, so I thought it would be a good place to start. I e-mailed the master at a school not far from me, and asked if I could observe the 11:00 class, and he said, 'Absolutely. Wear a white t-shirt, loose pants, and comfortable shoes. First class is free.' So I showed up, and I see the master, and four children, all around ages 8-12. Yeah, the 11:00 class was a kid's class. That's not what the schedule on his website said, and he didn't mention that in his e-mail. So there's strike one.

Then, he talked to me for a few minutes during a break. 'How old are you?' I said, 'I'm about to be 31.' He paused. 'Ohhhhhh. Yeah. Shaolin style has a lot of jumping and fast movements in it. I don't usually teach anyone 40 or older, since the reaction times are slower, and the flexibility isn't what it used to be.' Puzzled, I repeated myself. 'I'm about to be 31.' He responded with, 'Yes, and you're not too old right now, but Shaolin is better to learn and practice when you're younger.'

He then proceeded to mention two other styles that are taught at his school. One is a lot like Wing Chun, and if I wanted to learn more Wing Chun, I have other places I could be going to learn it. I'm ready to try something different. I told him that long before he mentioned the similar alternative. The other style is Tai Chi. Now, if someone told me 'Hey man, Tai Chi is actually a good martial art. It can be used for relaxation and breathing control, and if you speed it up, it's a solid style that can hold its own with other forms of kung-fu,' then I'd have been a little more jazzed. But after telling me that I'm too old for Shaolin kung-fu, I took it as a bit of an insult. Granted, this guy was in his mid-50's, so it's not like he was being ageist, but I saw the people leaving the Tai Chi class before the Kid's Shaolin started, and the average age in there was late 40's.

When I turned 30, I didn't buy a Corvette, or jump out of an airplane, or start playing paintball. It was just another day. And yet, I didn't feel old until I walked out of that dojo. Was I really too old to practice a 'physical' martial art?









Fuck that guy. Just because I'm not going to become a grand-master of a style doesn't mean I shouldn't study it. I'm not trying to make a sequel to 'Hero' in my back yard; I just want to learn a martial art. If all he wants is a room full of children that he can play 'Catholic Priest' with, or to slap them upside the head and say things like 'Don't think! FEEL!', then he won't be getting my time or my money.

I'm gonna find someone who is willing to teach this not-even-middle-aged dog some new tricks. Stay tuned...

The Angry Midget Diet

Dr. Phil thinks you're too fat because you're crazy.

Nowadays, it seems like every jackass with a one hour syndicated TV show has a diet. Obesity is, after all, a huge problem, no pun intended. So there are fists full of dollars to be made promoting one's particular approach to shedding pounds. Dr. Phil realized this, and published his book The Ultimate Weight Solution: 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom When you consider how much this book is going to completely change your fucking life, the $9.75 price tag seems a paltry sum. Additionally, most programs take 12 steps, Dr. Phil is going to kick your lardy ass into shape in SEVEN. Take that Alcoholics Anonymous.

Before I get a flood of emails with "HOW DOES DR. PHIL FUCKING DO IT?" or "ONLY SEVEN STEPS?" in the subject line, let me lay this out for you, because it's so simple, even the 69% of 56 year-olds that are obese in this country could figure it out. Dr. Phil is not doing anything revolutionary here. If you've read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Porn Stars or 50 Ways to Love Your Liver, you'll see this one coming a mile away. If not, welcome to the world of self-help.

Dr. Phil is not telling you only to eat carbs or not to eat any carbs at all. He's not telling you to lose weight by snorting coke off a hooker's ass (although you will lose a whole lot of weight if you attempt this). Dr. Phil's book addresses the PSYCHOLOGY behind weight loss. You know why South Beach didn't work for you, aside from the fact that you eat a tube of cookie dough before crying yourself to sleep at night? Fat people are crazy. They need psychological help. It's not as simple as eating and excercise, fat people are mentally ill, at least that's the premise of Dr. Phil's diet book.

As an aside, I personally think fat people are wonderful. Without the morbidly obese, there would be no Sumo wrestling, airplane seats would be much narrower, and Mister Bling and I would have been virgins until we were 25. God Bless you all!

Dr. Phil, however, views obesity as pathological, almost like an addiction. How does Dr. Phil know this? Probably because by current standards, standing at 6'4" and weighing in around 240 makes Dr. Phil overweight. Dr. Phil knows how you feel because he is also losing the battle of the bulge. I think rule numero uno of weight loss books is never follow the plan of the guy who is overweight. If this isn't the case, I think Tommy Lasorda and Meatloaf need to come out with diet books. Or Lemmy from Motorhead. Or Ted Nugent. Something tells me Ted's diet would involve meat.

I have a diet plan also, that I think you might enjoy. I don't think if you're overweight you're fat. I think you probably eat too much and don't excercise enough. So here's the deal:

1) There are no bad foods. - I totally stole this one from Weight Watchers, but what the hell. What you need to do is add chili to as many food items as you can. The resulting diarrhea and gastrointestinal swelling will prevent absorbtion of food, and you will lose lots of weight.

2) Drink at every meal. - Did you see Nicholas Cage in the movie, Leaving Las Vegas? That dude was in shape. I will grant you that he died at the end of the movie from drinking too much, but he got to shag Elizabeth Shue on the way, so in my book, that's a draw. We're all going to die, and unless you're on the Elvis Presley diet plan, drinking regularly will help to keep those pounds off.

3) Rent the Faces of Death movies - If you have not seen these movies and you want to lose weight, head to your locally-owned, independentm, mom and pop video store. Like Schindler's Fist or Can I Get Some Tube Steak, Mister Bling can explain why Blockbuster doesn't carry these titles. If you pop one in during dinner, you'll lose weight the same way high school cheerleaders do in half the time.

See how easy that would be?

Convention Survival 101

Some of you may have noticed that I didn't post anything for the last week. Mister Bling kept the fun rolling with several kick ass posts, as always. The rumors that I had diarrhea and couldn't leave the bathroom or that Leptodactylus and I were in Miami strangling prostitutes are not true at least that's what our lawyers told us to say.

For the last week, Leptodactylus and I were in Minneapolis for a convention which is where CowboyLaw lives. And we're happy to report that the city is still standing and any pregnant cheerleaders, even the entire squad that happened to be staying on the same floor of our hotel, would be purely coincidental. Seriously.

The convention Lepto and I attended is one of the largest in our industry. Manufacturers have huge parties with open bar to reward us for our loyalty and unethical behavior. Here are some wonderful tips that can help you to survive your next convention:

1) Don't attend ANY seminars/discussions/presentations- Attending these events takes time away from what you should be doing at a convention, which is drinking free hootch and sleeping it off. "Borrow" a fellow attendee's continuing education sheet, if you need to prove that you were there to your employer.

2) Watch out for Convention Cougars - You know these ladies. A good friend from Canada introduced me to the term "Cougar", as it refers to a woman over 35 who preys on younger men. Suburban soccer moms, bored to tears with driving their minivans in concentric circles around their gated communities 362 days a year. The other three days a year they're at conventions hitting the open bars just like the rest of us. As the night progresses, they get rascally, and there aren't enough tranquilizer guns in the neighboring counties to keep these ladies' hands to themselves. When they spot a midget, things can get very very ugly.

3) Play the Leptodactylus/Ryan the Angry Midget Convention Contest Game with Fellow Attendees - Here's how it works- most conventions require you to calculate the number hours of continuing education a person gets while attending, at least every one I've ever been to. To make sure that everyone, even that loser Diane in Accounting, is getting the most out of the convention, you institute the following scoring system in order to calculate the winner:
a) Take your total continuing education hours - (1.5 CEUs, just for example)
b) Divide that number by the average hours of sleep per night of the convention (3 hours, only an example, really)
c) Give 3 bonus points for each of the following-
-Each 8:00 am presentation/meeting attended
-If someone spontaneously reports that your breath smells like alcohol (another 3 points if this occurs before 10 am).
-Winning ANY award at the conference.
-Get arrested (Another 3 points if you don't get fired for it)

Whomever has the highest point total at the end of the convention gets a case of beer from all other participants. The game rewards people who not only go to courses and presentations, but also those who push themselves to the limits of human endurance.

Just as an aside, I was tired of getting posts in comments about how to make my cock get bigger or where I can access free porn starring the Golden Girls, so I turned on word verification to reduce comment spam. Sorry if this is hard for anyone.

Does God really speak through Pat Robertson?

I'm not a religious person. In fact, I'm what one would call a 'heathen.' You can believe whatever you want to believe, and that's fine, as long as I can believe what I want to believe. So what do I believe?

I believe that Pat Robertson is fucking insane.

Asking a woman about her sex life cured her asthma? Like Tom Cruise, apparently Pat Robertson knows the history of psychiatry.

If the media is so liberal, why do they keep talking to this dipshit? For the unintentional laughs? True enough, the man has provided some of the most absurd quotes in the history of the English language. They'd be funny, except that there are actually people who watch The 700 Club for reasons other than comedic value. There are those who believe that God speaks through Herr Robertson. Yes, this is the world we live in. According to Pat, God has had some major revelations over the years.



He doesn't think there's anything in the Constitution about the separation of church and state. Maybe he doesn't count the amendments. That's too bad, cuz I kinda like that first one.

He calls for the assassination of political leaders. Apparently, Venezuela is a hotbed of Communist sympathizers and Muslim extremists. The last time the surveillance experts checked, their government is a federal republic, and 96% of their population are Roman Catholic. Oh, and there's that whole 'Thou Shall Not Kill' thing. You'd think God would stick to his own commandments. Or are they like the Constitutional amendments?

He says that Spongebob Squarepants is gay, but where was God all those times when Bugs Bunny dressed in drag, or when he tried to marry Elmer Fudd? They've been re-running those cartoons for decades now.



He says that Tinky-Winky from the Teletubbies is gay, but ...



Okay, he can have that one. The target demographic for the Teletubbies doesn't even know the clinical term for the pee-pee, let alone where God wants them to put it, but I digress.

So I guess God cares a LOT about 'buttsecks.' I'd like him/her/it to start paying attention to some more pertinent issues. Darfur, for instance. How about the countless lives lost over a piece of holy land? Or maybe even Iraq? These problems were created by man, but man seems ill-equipped to solve them. If God really loved all creatures on the Earth, you'd think he'd start working on some of the Earth's biggest problems. Aren't we due for some divine intervention? Maybe God needs to stop competing with the current U.S. President on who can take more vacation time. Or are we all doomed to lie in the bed that our leaders continue to shit in?

Uh-oh.

I don't think the 'But Clinton got a blow-job!' defense is gonna work with this one.

Video Game Rage (aka The Fine Art of Controller Abuse)

Hi, my name is Mister Bling, and I'm a 'thrower.' I'm in recovery, and have gone almost a full year without throwing a controller. Well, there was a recent incident when I 'intentionally dropped' my Guitar Hero controller, but that was not a malicious 'throw.' So I'm saying technically, I've had one relapse. Before that, I'd had a streak of four or five years, but I played God of War last summer, and spent almost an hour trying to get past the spinning blade columns in Hades. Got to where I could see the top of the second cliff, and then fell all the way down. Five seconds later, my cats scattered out of the bedroom as pieces of black Sony plastic flew in twenty different directions. I screamed to the heavens, "GODDAMN YOU, DAVID JAFFE! RIDE THOSE SPINNAS UP YOUR ASS!" After coming to my senses, I finished the game, and even found the strength to defeat all ten Challenges of the Gods. And WOW, was the last one tough. Took me about three hours. I know how long it took, because I taped it. But I did not throw again after that. I screamed until I'd almost lost my voice, but no throwing.

Before that, the last time I 'threw' was after college, and I was playing Gameday 98 on the PS1. Last game of the season. I was the Broncos, playing the Oilers. Undefeated season so far, 15-0. Then as time expires, Warren "Wife-Beater" Moon airs out an 80-yard load of bullshit and connects to a WR who was triple-covered in the end zone. Other than no cats to scurry away from the debris, the results were similar. I remember when I moved out of that house, and found the triangle button.

Then there was Street Fighter II Turbo:


Yup, the guy on the right was me. I think there is still a controller-sized hole in the wall at my dad's house. Fortunately, SNES controllers were about as sturdy as the NES ones. They made more 'rattling' noise after a couple of throws, as the internal plastic casing seemed to break apart easier, but I never had a button pop out, and I still own my two original SNES controllers, and they still work fine.

But one of my favorite controller abuse stories came from a roommate right after college. He had the day off of work, and I had my old NES set up in the living room (we used to make Arch Rivals and Track & Field into video drinking games). He spent the whole day playing Rygar. When I came home from work that night, he was in his room, and the TV was off, so I'd assumed that he beat it. Jealous of all the quality gaming time I'd missed, I decided to play a little. When I picked up the controller, I noticed that there were small indentations on a corner of it. Upon further examination, I saw that they were in the shape of a semi-circle. Then I flipped it over, and saw the same thing on the opposite corner. I yelled out, "HEY! What the hell are these marks on the controller?!?" He came out of his room and said guiltily, "Uhhh, yeah. Those are teeth marks. I hate that FUCKING clowd castle level."

Some are throwers. That day, I learned that others are biters.

Laura Bush is at my work today

When I arrived at work this morning, after a weekend of yard work and the Rollergirls marathon on A&E, there was an email in my inbox with the subject line: Laura Bush visit. I opened the message, purely because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't get shot by the Secret Service while driving through the parking lot in my car with the Bush Cheats 2000 sticker on the back. The facility where I work serves children, so it's quite a good photo op for the first lady or anyone looking for an opporuntity to appear as though they care about the nation's children.

The part of the email that made me laugh was the following:

Due to security restrictions, we have been informed that only 50 employees from ****** may attend today’s event with First Lady Laura Bush at *******.

Therefore, if you would like to attend today’s event and your manager has approved your absence, please email (slave to upper management) and submit your name to her. She will then compile a list of names according to the time she receives your email. Given the limited number of spaces available, we are sorry that we cannot guarantee that all who request will be able to attend. Everyone must be seated by 3:30 pm and must present their ID for admission.

I am sure you're all waiting for the funny part, but let me give you some background that may assist you in finding the humor in this. Despite the fact that I live in one of the reddest of the Red States (Nebraska), my place of employment is decidedly blue. I think you would be more likely to find 50 people who work here on the FBI watchlist, than 50 people who would want to see Laura Bush talk, even if the subject matter was limited to "What my daughters do in the shower." I am trying to get an answer as to how many people actually responded to the email without trying to seem like a security threat, and if I find out I will post it here. The over/under at this point is 24.

I must say that I do respect Laura Bush a little bit more than I respect her husband. Laura was apparently a teacher, which in my opinion, is the most underappreciated job in the world. It didn't positively affect her husband's ability to form a sound education policy, but at least it's possible that she's done some good in her life. She also had to put up with that Cowboy Asshole that we call George during "The Tequila Years" (officially 1977 - 2000) before he found Jesus.

Unfortunately, I have more important things to do at 3:30 today, like write on this website and throw darts at coworkers, or I would be available to hear Laura talk about whatever she's going to talk about. We'll see if it makes the 6:00 news.

Who Says You're Too Old to Go to the Prom???

If you live in Omaha, Nebraska, you're never too old to go to prom...not if it's the annual Groundhog Prom, that is. I know, I know, you're all furrowing your brows in puzzlement.

"The Groundhog Prom? What the hell is that? Some kind of heartland hoedown or something" Any east- or west-coasters are especially thinking that. Don't lie.

Well, let me educate you, if you aren't already hip to the Knights of the Groundhog and their annual soiree (that's French for "late night shindig"). First, you're all aware of what a debutante ball is, right? That's one of those fancy dances put on by Wealthy, High-society, Influential, Tight-assed, Elitist (W.H.I.T.E) people in large communities to show off their daughters and announce to the world that they were ready for politically advantagous marriages to W.H.I.T.E. boys.

Seems like these days, organizations that have these balls like to attach things like philanthropy or civic responsibility to their missions as a smokescreen to cover up what is really going on--and don't get me wrong, some of them really raise money that goes to noble causes--but I think it's still just a case of "a rose by any other name".

Here in Nebraska, it was 1895 when the Knights of Ak-sar-ben (that's Nebraska spelled backwards, if you hadn't figured it out) were formed with the goal of "building a more prosperous Heartland..." A fine cause, if I begrudgingly admit so myself. Well, the Knights also began a tradition of an annual Coronation Ball (read debutante ball) to formally introduce their daughters to society, and, if you were good at math in high school, you'll realize that they've had 107 of the darn things now.

"But what," you're asking, "has this got to do with this goofy Groundhog Prom thing? This Lepto-whatever guy sure is verbose!"

I'm getting to that. Just hold your horses. As the story goes, about 25 years or so ago, a group of social workers and other left wing types decided to hold a small dance as sort of a little satire to the Ak-sar-ben Coronation Ball, which they had bemusedly watched for years and never had the connections to get an invitation (or something like that). Rumor also has it that some of them were geeks who never got to go to their own high school proms, either, but that's probably just some right-wing propaganda. These prom pioneers held their get together in one of the nastiest months in the mid-west, which happened to also contain groundhog day. Thus were born the Knights of the Groundhog. The first few years, the prom was a simple affair with a few score people wearing tacky bridesmaid's dresses or other goofy outfit probably intended to satirize (read "poke fun at") the Coronation Ball. As simple ideas sometimes do, however, the Groundhog Prom eventually took on a life of it's own. Word of the event spread--don't ask me how--and the number of attendees continued to grow. The Prom outgrew one venue after the next. But even more amazing than the size of the event was the flavor. Yes, the Groundhog Prom somehow mutated into some wierd combination of Mardi Gras and Halloween where the wilder, more shocking, or more clever the costume, the better. In fact, the Queen is traditionally chosen from amongst those with the most bizarre (or most revealing) getup.

I began attending "The Prom" in 1996, and I just recently made an appearance at the most recent, my 8th. If you've never been, you really must put it on your list of things to do before you die. I will warn you that the crowd tends to have liberal political leanings (or at least a liberal amount of them do), but with the spirit of camaraderie present, there is a sense of everyone present being "of one people". Although fatigue prevented me from shutting the event down this year, I daresay that this prom was probably like those of the past, where "a good time was had by all". The pictures attached to this posting are actual photos taken of the event. I'm not kidding. So, next year, as Groundhog Day starts to roll around, let your mind run wild about how you'd like to dress up and go cut a rug with the Knights of the Groundhog and their freaky followers.

Legislative Aides are Giant Douchebags (The Angry Midget Returns from Washington DC)

The trip to Washington, DC was great. I stayed in a great hotel and the weather wasn't too terrible. The downside was meetings from dawn until night each day and my trip to Capitol Hill to visit my Congressmen on Friday. I met with three different Legislative Aides (LA), two for Republicans (Hagel and Terry) and one for a Democrat (Nelson). I made some observations that I think will be helpful if you should decide to make similar efforts.

1) LAs egos are inversely proportional to how intelligent they are- One of the minimum requirements to be an LA has to be a test where they put you in a room with a puppy for 30 minutes. Congressmen must only hire people who at some point during that 30 minutes kicked the puppy across the room. If you think Congressmen are scary, try to have a conversation about IDEA funding with a 23 year-old kid whose single accomplishment in life is having parents who are campaign donors and a full set of adult teeth. The great thing about being in that position is that these jackasses have absolutely no perspective on the greater world around them, yet they are responsible for summarizing the information you provide to your Congressmen.

2) Ever wonder what happened to your high school debate team? - Probably not. But, one of two possibilities, they are either huge stars in the porn industry (like CowboyLaw and myself) or they are an LA for your Congressmen.

3) Want a glimpse of what the future of congress will be, call your LA: Not surprsingly, most of these ding dongs have aspirations that include running for public office at some point. These guys are just as WASPy as the rest of my state, which is frightening. If Congress doesn't work out, there's always opportunity for these individuals as hair sweeper at Great Clips, which has thousands of locations for potential employment.

All in all, it was a productive trip.