Ignorant hicks: The other white meat

Here's one group of people who didn't agree with CowboyLaw's earlier post about Obama.

This so-called 'pastor' said the message wasn't meant to be racial or political. O RLY? He even used the word 'brothers,' which has its own multiple meanings. I think he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. So, I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon and make my own church sign:


For the record, I didn't mean for that sign to be racial or political.

Look, I get it. You made a pun. A play on words, if you will. His last name is one letter away from Osama. We get it. We all got it months ago when you and your inbred buddies kept forwarding that slanderous e-mail around. But you fucking hicks don't get to invoke Osama's name whenever it benefits you, but disregard him the rest of the time. Ignore him all you want, but guess what? He's still out there, he still hates America, and he's probably planning another attack right now.

But that's for another post. Let's go ahead and cover the other 'issues' with Barack Obama. His middle name is Hussein. Iraq's former dictator was named Hussein. Big fucking deal. Like he had anything to do with it, just like some poor kid who has to go through high school with the name 'Rupert' or 'Gaylord'. It was his father's name, as there's a 'Jr.' at the end of 'Barack Hussein Obama.' His father was a Kenyan who converted from Christianity to Muslim, who divorced his mother when he was two years old and ended up being a deadbeat who only saw him one other time in his life. Not exactly a role-model for Barack, who is a tolerant Christian and not a deadbeat dad. 'Tolerant Christian' are two words that Pastor Roger Byrd wouldn't understand. Although, to be fair, it may be difficult to be tolerant when you're chainsawing the heads off of zombies:


At the end of the day, I'm not telling you who to vote for, or who I'm voting for, or anything like that. All I'm doing is asking you to not fall into this ignorant hick trap of what Obama's name might mean. It doesn't mean shit. The only time a name actually means something is when you have an Irish last name, and you also happen to be a drunk. Of course, that wouldn't apply to anyone we know...

An RC car, hundreds of bottles of wine, and a LOT of patience.

While we're on the topic of video game music, we might as well post this video too:


http://view.break.com/487616 - Watch more free videos

A techno song, or a ride through Oak Cliff?

Kudos to whomever took the time to put this crazy shit together. I don't know if I would bump it out of my trunk while rollin through Oak Cliff, but it's still pretty good.



Actually, who am I kidding? The last time I drove through Oak Cliff, it sounded exactly like this, and my stereo was off...

Ronald Reagan was right about one thing....(UPDATED FOR ACCURACY)

UPDATE: The quote below has been shown not to have been from Reagan. I knew we shouldn't have hired fact checkers from Rush Limbaugh. Thanks to the anonymous poster who shared the link, which you can view under comments for this post. I'm sure those of you who held this blog as a high standard of reliable information are probably smearing your feces on the computer. Bottom line: We should have known better, as Reagan wouldn't have ever said anything this cogent.

If you read this blog, you know I don't think highly of Ronald Reagan. Even people who like Reagan can only use false attributions like "He ended the Cold War", if asked what impact he had during his presidency. As if because something happened while he was in office that it was because of his actions as President. If you do that, my conservative friends, you must also then accept that 9/11 was Bush's fault and that the dot com economic boom was Clinton's fault based on the same very flawed logic.

However, I have to say that Ronald must've been a pretty damn good judge of character, despite the fact that he was otherwise mostly clueless. Here is an excerpt from the Reagan Diaries about our current (awful) President:

"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986

I can never again say that Reagan was never right about anything. He knew, better than the American people, that Bush is an idiot.

Another friend of RtAMaF just started a blog!

The Blog Train just keeps a-rollin'. Another friend of the site (and frequent comment poster) warm_machine started his own blog this week, called Kitty Crash and Burn. It's dedicated to failure, in its many different forms. As you can see in his first full post, he claims to have been inspired by our blog, and especially Ryan's post about public defecation. Should we be happy that we inspired a blog about failure? And that it was inspired by a post about shit? I say 'Absolutely!'

Good luck warm_machine, and happy blogging!

Why I'm Voting For Obama

I voted for Barak (Hussein, as Fox News would be quick to point out) Obama in the California primary, and I'm hoping I'll get a chance to vote for him again in November. Given the chance, I'd like a chance to vote for him about 25 times in November, but this is California, so I doubt that will be necessary. Obama backers are often asked why we get behind this guy, and Democrats in general need to understand why we should all get behind this guy, so I figured I would put together some simple talking points that everyone can understand. I'll organize the points in the form of rebuttals to the most common arguments launched against Obama.

1. Some people, sadly, just won't vote for a black President.

This is a true statement. There are some among us who won't vote for any black guy or gal for President. But here's the thing: these same people also wouldn't vote for Clinton, and the vast majority of them wouldn't vote for any Democratic nominee. See, Democrats just don't appeal to hard-line racists and bigots. Frankly, we're not trying to. So there's no need to worry that Obama will lose the race for the Democrats because he's black, because the votes he'll "lose" were always going to go to McCain, regardless of who the Democrats nominate.

2. Obama talks a good game, but he's long on rhetoric and short on detailed plans.

This is an unfair criticism of any candidate for President. If American voters have been clear on only one thing in the last 30 years, it's that they HATE detailed policy discussions. What they love is "Morning in America" commercials and Willie Horton scare tactics. American voters elected a guy who used to appear in chimp movies and whose main selling point was "I'm not Jimmy Carter." American voters elected a guy who almost shit himself in amazement when confronted with a grocery check-out scanner (in fairness, it was 1988, and those things had only been out for about 7 years). American voters elected a guy whose only response to most policy questions during the campaign was to drool a bit and smile crookedly. The voters have sent a loud and clear message to politicians: we don't want to hear about it. Just tell us you're going to make everything better, and we'll vote for you. And we want to punish Obama because he's been smart enough to listen and learn?

3. Obama doesn't have enough experience to be President.

People say this like there's a foolproof training camp or educational seminar out there that teaches people how to be good Presidents. Some of our best Presidents (JFK, Clinton) haven't had a lot of comparable experience (a few years in the Senate and a few terms of governor of a state most people enjoy making fun of, respectively). Some of our worst Presidents have had pedigrees which would suggest they were very well-prepared (Nixon, Hoover), yet they still booted the actual job. As far as I can tell, being President is a lot like riding a roller coaster: the only way to get good at it is to do it. No training, no knowledge, can really prepare you for the experience. Also, just between you and me, do you really think he'll be a shittier President than what we've been living with for the last 8 years? Yeah, didn't think so.

4. Obama's pastor's words will be used against him in the election.

Actually, I highly doubt McCain and the GOP will say a damned word about Obama's pastor and his sermons. Why? Because McCain's pastor has said some shit that will curl your hair. First, there’s Pastor John Hagee, who runs an arena-sized megachurch in San Antonio, Texas. Hagee preaches that Muslims have a “scriptural mandate” to kill Christians and Jews. But don’t worry, because according to Hagee, America is on top of this coming showdown with Islam. Writing for the evangelical Pentecostal magazine Charisma, Hagee argued that “The coming nuclear showdown with Iran is a certainty.” In his 2006 book, Jerusalem Countdown, he expanded the first theater of operations for his coming world war to include Russia. This nuclear war, according to Hagee, would eventually end with the second coming of Christ and the whisking away of true believers to the heavens. In a move sure to be inspiring to the Midget, Hagee refers to the Catholic Church as “the Great Whore of Revelation 17,” as well as a “false cult system,” an “apostate church” and, like Islam, an anti-Christ institution.

Then there’s Ohio-based televangelist Rod Parsley, whom McCain identifies as a spiritual advisor. According to Parsley, who recently appeared side by side with McCain at a campaign rally, America’s “divine purpose” is to destroy Islam. In his 2005 book, Silent No More, McCain’s spiritual advisor claims that this country “was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion [Islam] destroyed.” Parsley complains about the growing number of Muslims in the United States (he claims 34,000 converts since 9/11) and the number of mosques in this country (he clams “some 1,209”) as evidence that we are failing in our historic calling as a “Christian nation” and “a bastion against Islam.” Frankly, even the Bushies were smart enough to understand that you had to ixnay the acismray when talking about the arway, so I doubt McCain or the Republicans will want to bring up the pastor issue, given what bad shape McCain is in. All of the above, and more, can be checked out on the ever-useful MoveOn.org.

5. Conclusion

By way of summary, let me give you one solid reason to vote for Obama (rather than just swat aside all the reasons not to, as above): he makes people excited to vote for him. And, even better than that, the people who get excited to vote for him are the people the Democrats and Republicans are fighting over: the great, Undecided hoard. Obama will eviscerate McCain in the debates, and his message of hope and prosperity, trite though it might sound to cynics like me, is exactly the kind of snake water elixir that voter have been drinking like Jonestown Kool-Aid for the last 3o years. They just can't seem to lay off the stuff. Which makes Obama electable. Which, in case anyone forgot, was the point of the whole primary: to nominate someone who could win in November. Obama's the guy.

Shit is going down the tubes!

This is not a reference to my last post, although frankly it could be. No, according to a new poll by CBS/NY Times, 81 percent of people who were polled said that "things have gotten seriously off track". I'm not sure if they had Amtrak employees write the questions for that poll or what, but apparently things in the US have never been worse. The story even mentions that this is the largest number of people who think we're on the wrong track since they started doing this particular poll of railroad enthusiasts.

There's only one problem with this kind of thinking: the rest of the world isn't exactly a rose garden these days. Take Somalia for example: a quarter of a million people living in tent cities without running water or adequate food. I know the economy is in the tank, and I tried to tell all you assholes that voted for Bush 4 years ago that we would end up here. Get some perspective people.

You know your Presidential campaign is in trouble when...

Emanuel Cleaver, a Representative from Missouri, went on the record last year as being a Hillary Clinton backer. For his support, she named him Co-Chair of her Missouri campaign, as well as a Co-Chair of her Faith Steering Committee.. So what does it say for her campaign when he predicted today that Barack Obama is going to be the next President of the United States? Or that he'd be stunned if Obama DIDN'T win?

On top of being a black man, Cleaver's district voted for Obama in their primary. So, is Cleaver cutting his losses? Or is he trying to change his bet after the roulette wheel already started spinning?


Excellent advice from a wise man. Just don't ask that wise man for tax advice. When it comes to the I.R.S., some muthafuckas always tryin' to ice skate uphill.

P.S. If you read the CNN article about Cleaver's comments, you may have also noticed his analogy about why he roots for the Chiefs, even though they suck. I thought about making this post about that comment, but then I remembered that my Broncos also suck. They may not suck quite as hard as the Chiefs, but I think you get the point.

P.P.S. Ryan's article about public defecation was the blog's 500th post! Thanks to all of you who still come here to read our ... well, public defecations.

What's going on in there?

I know it's been a long time since I've posted. Between school and work and travel for work and school, I have no free time. I am writing this while sitting in the DC airport (still can't call it Reagan, sorry). You're wondering about the picture, right?

It dawned on me the other day while I was dropping the kids off at the pool in a public restroom how hilarious it is that we attempt to downplay our activities when we use a public restroom. As if other guys have no idea what we're doing in there. Guys, in particular, only hit the stall in a public restroom for one reason: you have a big brown dog barking at your back door, and you need to let him out. Why is it then that it sounds like people are trying to take the quietest shit ever? It's not a library. It's the one place in public that you can shit and not spend a night in jail (aside from the I-80 overpass at 72nd street in Omaha and LordBling's front porch).

My new policy is to let the shit explosion commence. No more coy public restroom behavior. I pity the guys in adjacent bathrooms stalls. They're going to think I'm kick-starting a Harley. The walls will shake. I'm done pulling my cheeks apart (a.k.a the silencer) to lessen the acoustic ramifications of my pooping. Join the revolution!

The self-loathing Japanese girl?

I'm not sure if you're familiar with a video game franchise called 'Hot Shots Golf,' but I'll assume for a minute that you aren't. It's a Sony franchise that started in the late 90's on the original Playstation, and has had multiple iterations on the PS1, PS2, PSP, and now, on the PS3. It's made in Japan, and it shows in the quirky style of character design and dialog.

I've played every version in the series, so I'd consider myself a pretty big fan. However, when I played the new PS3 version, I wasn't expecting to hear anything like THIS (note -- HD version is down at the moment, but the SD version works):



Yes, the caddie is a Japanese girl. Yes, she's standing on the right of the green. And yes, you heard her say 'A slope to the right!' at 1:04.

In the game, every time the green rolls to the right, this particular caddy says, 'A slope to the right!' If it rolls left, she says, 'It goes left!' Note that she doesn't say, 'A slope to the left!' because she's not standing on the left. Also note that the other caddies I've unlocked so far don't say this. Also note that the other caddies I've unlocked so far aren't supposed to be Japanese.

So I guess the question is, 'Is this exact dialog in the original Japanese version too? Is this a bad translation issue by a racist (or at the very least, mischevious) American? Or is it just another case of 'Engrish'?'

What not to expect when you're expecting

So our friend Miles and his wife are expecting their second child. I could take this time to make 'Pull the fuck out!' comments, or maybe even things like, 'They make rubbers for a reason.' Or maybe 'How much Rohypnol did it take?' I could even stoop so low as to make a Falcon Punch comment. But I wouldn't do anything that low. Not to a friend of the site!

I don't have children. I hope to God, Allah, and every other supreme being that I never do. But I realize that procreation is important for the continuation of the human race, so I wanted to take this time to share a bit of parenting wisdom with Miles (or to any of you who are planning on turning a woman's egg into a zygote in the near future):

Unless you want to explain the following pictures to your children:
























.... don't ask me to babysit.

How slow of a news cycle is it today? And since when did MySpace become a news source?

No one here has yet weighed in on New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's shameful resignation. I'll do so now, but I'll make it quick: The guy trashed video games like Grand Theft Auto for their portrayal of violence and prostitution, and then he gets busted with a whore. I don't know how much more needs to be said about that. But it must be a slow news cycle, because even though the story is as dead as Saddam, look who's on the front page of CNN.com!


Why, it's the prostitute who would've been his 'escort!' She was in court on MONDAY, and today is Thursday, but the media is still milking this for all it's worth (no pun intended). She didn't say much to the press, so what do they do? They quote her MySpace page (which I won't link to ... I hate that fucking site). Who is that desperate to know about a whore who almost blew the governor? I read it to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and I'll save you, dear readers, the trouble of doing the same. She came from an abusive, broken home, and went to the city to make it big. Now, she's a whore. Not exactly Pulitzer Prize material.

Sorry, CNN. Fox News has this on their front page too, but do you really want to be like them? Spitzer resigned. She's a complete nobody. The story is over. Dead. Let it go.

Now THIS is a hockey fight.

Who is Robert Orben, and why is he so quotable?

Every time I log into Gmail, they have some news headline or famous quote at the top of the Inbox. Typically, they try to tie it in to a word in an e-mail you've received, which is a little too Orwellian for my taste. But this morning, it had the following:

Funny Quote of the Day - Robert Orben - "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."

I did a double-take. Who the fuck is Robert Orben, and why is he so smart? So I did something I wouldn't normally recommend: I clicked the link. And I was glad I did. Here are some other winners:

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

"Do your kids a favor - don't have any."

I have to think this guy is related to the Angry Midget. Ryan, do you have a family tree you can post?

Who Knew????

If I would have had any idea that his wife looked like this I would have thrown my support behind his presidential candidacy bid. Maybe I've been living under a rock, but I had no idea that a little squirelly looking guy like Dennis Kucinich was married to a tall, attractive woman who could probably have her pick of men. He must have something special, and maybe it's something we should have in our next president.

Yet another reason why the world hates us...

While we were sleeping last night, our government fired missles in Somalia at a 'known terrorist target.' Did we get the 'terrorists?' No one knows. Did we kill some civilians? You betcha. But hey, as long as they aren't white, it's okay. Somalia is in Africa, right? So, they all have AIDS already, so it's no big deal?


And these weren't just any old terrorists either. They were East African Al-Qaeda terrorists, to be exact. How many branches of Al-Qaeda are there? A quick search of Wikipedia says there are dozens. More importantly, if there was a branch found here in America, would they fire missles on it? My guess is they would if it were found in Harlem or Compton...

Our friend Miles has his own blog!

Friend of the site (and Chiefs fan) Miles has his own blog now, titled 'I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing'. As of right now, he is in Europe, and has been posting regular updates and tons of pictures. Go check it out when you have a minute.

Lord Bling's Oscar follow-up

So I ended up getting six right out of eight on my major Oscar category picks. Typically, this is how it works for me. I kick ass on the major categories, and then I get my ass handed to me on the secondary ones (which is why I don't even bother to post them!). Overall, I had 12 right out of 24. Not great, but considering I've been out of the industry for two years now, I'll take it. Plus, it was a tough year to pick (lots of indies). I mean, who picked Marion Cotillard to win Best Actress? Besides Viking and his l33t combos, that is. Dude, I can save you the trouble of posting by saying it for you: 'How do u like my balls in ur face, dumbass?'.

So, how did you do?

P.S. Big ups to Jon Stewart, or whomever it was that made the decision to give Marketa Irglova the chance to come back out after the break and speak. Glen Hansard spoke first, and then the orchestra started playing early and they cut the microphone off (they had 30 seconds, according to my estimate). It's not like Glen rambled or anything...

Here's a song I bet you haven't heard in about ten years...

Thanks to Wikipedia, I learned that Danny Carey and Maynard James Keenan were both in this band at one point. Danny played drums on this song, and Maynard sang the falsetto pigs voice parts too.

"Child-Man in the Promised Land?"

I just read something that was dripping with stereotypes and half-baked opinions about single men today versus forty years ago, and I wanted to share it with you all. The article is located HERE, so go there, give it a read (it'll only take a couple of minutes), and then hop on back over and let us know what you think in the comment section.

The article in question begins by implying that the average 26-year-old male in the sixties was married with children, owned a house, et. al., and the average 26-year-old male nowadays is single, lives in an apartment with his buddies, and whores around. Further down the article, a census stat is cherry-picked to prove her point. Gee, how scientific! It sounded more to me like the author had a bad experience on a blind date, and decided to take it out on an entire generation of men.

Multiple facts have been lost or wasted on the author. The 'traditional' roles of men and women has changed DRASTICALLY in the West in the last 40 years. Does she want to be barefoot and pregnant, chained to the stove in the kitchen? Also, the rise and improvement of technology has had a profound effect on the amount of free time we have. We can now work smarter, not harder or longer, and our standard of living has increased tenfold. The author makes multiple references to technology in her article, but only infers that it's all used for entertainment. How much time does e-mail and MS Office save us in the workplace?

My biggest problem with the article is the assumptions that are made. It's similar to the argument the anti-video game lobby makes about violent games and its influence on people's views of the world. And yet, they forget that violence is already part of human nature. Of course, I could name thousands of examples, but I'll just go back a long fucking time ago and say, 'Did Cain play Grand Theft Auto?' No one knew back then knew what the fuck an 'auto' was, much less a video game.

My point is, just as there have always been violent crimes, there will always be bachelors. The increase of leisure time due to improvements in technology isn't going to change that. The Rat Pack existed long before Pong. If they were alive and thriving in this decade, would they be spending less time whoring and boozing around, and more time on Xbox Live?

Biofuels are worse than regular gas?

Wired magazine has a profile of two research articles published in yesterday's issue of Science that highlights the reality of the amount of greenhouse gases created by the entire process of creating biofuels. Corn-based ethanol would DOUBLE the greenhouse gas emissions over the next 30 years, while switch-grass, which even President Bush has publicly endorsed, would cause a 50% increase in greenhouse gases compared to regular gasoline. That's what scientists like me call a Type III statistical error or "Fuck, the effect was exactly the opposite of our hypothesis."

What will be interesting is how the Presidential candidates handle the news. All three (McCain, Obama, and Clinton) have made biofuels a cornerstone of their Energy Independance (Republican) and Environmental (Democrat) plans. Isn't it funny how the parties use different terms to describe the same policies? We'll see if anything, including the media's coverage, public's perception or candidates' stances change based on actual science. If I had to guess, I'd put money on the climate changing in hell before any of the above actually occurred.

The Omaha Children's Hospital is trying to put Lord Bling out of a job

Ryan, did they study you in this 'research?' Did you remind them that you were born with a meat cleaver in one hand, and a bottle of scotch in the other?

I won't spend a lot of time proselytizing on this subject. Obviously, I not only play a lot of video games; they also put food on my table. So, you should already know where I stand. Fortunately, the article I linked to mentions that parents need to be more involved, and I couldn't agree more. The government has no business intervening here, because no politician can tell you how to keep your child entertained. However, these little 'studies' keep adding up in the media. What I'd like to know is, why do we never get to see who funds the research? The PMRC?

I hope that people eventually come around on this topic. Spending your free time doing nothing but locking yourself in a room and doing one thing over and over again is anti-social behavior, and can change the way someone looks at the outside world. But I don't think people are going to come around any time soon. At least, it won't happen until something worse takes people's minds off of it. It worked for books, movies, and television. Will text messaging be next? ROFL OMG BRB!

Take an active role in your child's life, or else the government might do it for you.

Good riddance, douche nozzle!

So Mitt Romney threw in the towel today. Let me be one of the first to say, 'Good riddance, douche nozzle!' Especially when things like this come out of your schlong-holster:

"In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

Did we time travel to 2004? I guess someone forgot to tell him that it's 2008, and on the list of priorities in this country, it's the economy, STUPID. But according to Mr. Faith of His Fathers, if Obama or Clinton get elected, we'll all be struck again? Thanks for that nugget of wisdom, Mitt Cheney. Gee, I can't WAIT for the presidential debates now, especially since McCain's only real strength he can play up to the neo-cons is his War Hawk track record. All aboard the Fear Mongering Train!

Am I the only one who's sick and fucking tired of this shit? The world isn't black and white, and politicians who dumb things down to this level have no business representing us in Washington.

Who elected these idiot fucks? Oh right, we did

So, it's Friday today, and I am doing what I usually do on Friday afternoons at work, which is read ESPN.com. While doing so, I noticed this article that Senator Arlen "Spooky" Specter from Pennsylvania wants Congress to look into the destruction of videotapes related to the New England Patriots "spygate" scandal, in which the Pats took survaillance of other teams' coaching signals to give them an advantage. The NFL punished the Patriots, and no one really gives a crap. Except apparently Senator Specter who said:

"I do believe that it is a matter of importance. It's not going to displace the stimulus package or the Iraq war, but I think the integrity of football is very important, and I think the National Football League has a special duty to the American people -- and further the Congress -- because they have an antitrust exemption."

Are you fucking kidding me? More than 10 million children in this country do not have health insurance, and this shit head is worried about how the NFL handles one team videotaping another? Is this guy for real?

The entire situation with Senator Mitchell and steroids in baseball was bad enough. I couldn't care less if baseball players use steroids and HGH. People who care about this have their heads up their asses, as we have SERIOUS FUCKING problems, like wars, crime, and people dieing of health conditions because they can't afford treatment. And we're worried about the integrity of professional sports? I think we should be more worried about our collective priorities, when our Congress has nothing better to do than worry about what's happening on SportsCenter.

Congress is nothing to improve education, nothing to improve healthcare, nothing to fight terrorism. Thank God someone's thinking about the steroid problem in baseball, and what the New England Patriots are doing with that video camera.

Robert, it's time for a name change.

Last night's State of the Union address in four minutes

A few more thoughts

Following my comments earlier in the week regarding Mitt Romney's magic underwear, I received an email that essentially accused me of being anti-Mormon and opposing Romney simply on the basis of his religion. This is obviously a point that needs much clarification.

First of all, I support every one's right to practice whatever religion that they want, as long as the practice of that religion doesn't start affecting other people in a negative way. The Republican party has created an incredibly unfortunate situation by crawling into bed with the Evangelicals. Despite what Evangelicals believe, they didn't get a damn thing for electing Bush two times, except blood on their hands from the Iraq war. And by the way, abortion - still legal. Hope it was worth it. The belief that religion has a place in government is one example of how your own personal religious beliefs, as innocuous as they were when they were just personal, can seriously fuck with the rest of us. And the Evangelicals are double-fucking us because they expect political favors in return for their support.

Being Mormon doesn't make Romney a bad candidate for President, but it does mean that he has some explaining to do. It is a fact (as O'Donnell points out in the video Lord Bling posted below) that until 1978, Mormons believed that black people were a different color because God hated them and really only changed because they realized that this would seriously hinder their plans for world domination. Romney may or may not have agreed with that stance, but he and others need to acknowledge that this is not an issue that should be disregarded as his religious freedom. Would you support a person who was a member of the Klu Klux Klan in the 1970s for President? Didn't think so.

People do have the right to practice whatever religion they want, but I have the right not to vote for you for President if I think that your religious beliefs and practices are going to negatively impact American people. Because of Mormon's frequent, sudden dogmatic shifts, they have a credibility problem that will haunt Romney, as it haunted his father George. Perhaps in the early days of Chritianity, they faced some of the same resistance. Romney could solve the problem by coming out and saying "I don't agree with the stance of the Mormon Church when I was in my 30s", but that won't happen. Instead, people who question Romney's credibility on this basis will be wrongly accused of being against him only because of his religion, when really the issue isn't his religion at all, it's about his willingness to that being a racist is not defensible, just because your people think that God is a racist too.

Lawrence O'Donnell goes off on the Mormon faith

This is in response to the Midge's comment in his last post about the Mormon faith being racist, and also another reason why I love The McLaughlin Group. Lawrence O'Donnell went off so hard that he even got Eleanor Clift to back down, which is not an easy thing to do.



Also, here is an editorial written by O'Donnell that goes into more detail, and quotes the Book of Mormon and Brigham Young.

Now, I think O'Donnell made the cardinal sin of being too emotional, and that got him into some exaggeration. 'The worst political speech of my lifetime?' I doubt it. But I think the base of his argument holds water.

For the record, I know there are some fucked up things written in the Bible too. I'm sure the same is true about the Quran, the Torah, et. al. Being a questioning agnostic, I really don't give a shit. It's just words. I only wish the worst messages from those texts didn't burrow their way into so many people's minds.

Goodbye NASCAR Presidential candidate!

So long Fred Thompson! Today, after getting his ass kicked across the US by the other Republican candidates for President, Fred Thompson is calling it quits. Yes, Fred Thompson who has the dubious distinction of being the most conservative horse in the Republican race for President, which is like being the sluttiest girl in Paris Hilton's circle of friends: not something to brag about. Thompson also has starred in such TV shows as Matlock and Law and Order, as well as great movies like Curley Sue and Feds. What an interesting man!

You may not realize it now, but Fred Thompson leaving the race is a wonderful thing for everyone in the whole world. Why you ask? Because he's COMPLETELY FUCKING CRAZY! He makes Huckabee look like that transgendered Green Party candidate that Cowboy Law voted for for San Francisco City Council election last year. He makes Reagan look like a brain surgeon. And the scariest part of all of that is that given how weak the Republican candidates are and the relative strength of the Evangelical section of that party, Thompson was one Mormon backlash away from being a contender. If that doesn't scare you, you're either on crack or a nihilist.

The good news is we don't have to worry about Fred Thompson anymore. The bad news is that the leading Republican candidate wears special underwear and belongs to a religion that openly supported the notion that black people are evil until like last August.

Lord Bling's 2008 Oscar picks: Now with 25% more hate!)

The Oscar nominees were named this morning, and frankly, I'm a little pissed that Rambo didn't get a nod for Best Foreign Language Film. Seriously, I need a Rosetta Stone to understand half of what Stallone says in his movies, and now that he's 61 years old, I don't see it getting any better. I can even understand Arnold better than him, and to most people, Arnold sounds like THIS.

A couple of other things to get off my chest before I name my Oscar picks for the major categories. First, Heath Ledger is dead, and Paris Hilton still walks the earth. We live in sad times. Second, the Ebert picture I posted above makes me laugh, but honestly, I miss the guy. He needs to get back on his show, Ebert and Roeper. I'm glad he's now writing print reviews, but the sooner he gets his speaking ability back, the sooner he can return to TV and demote that smarmy fuck Roeper back to second-string status. Also, thanks are due to warm_machine for helping me figure out how to shadow the text in the above picture.

Okay, Oscar stuff. I've been out of the film industry for two years now, so I don't have the same insight that I used to have. Basically, what I'm saying is I'm making excuses before the fact. However, I won the office Oscar pool last year, and I worked with a bunch of film geeks, so don't write me off. But two years is a long time, and so you all have an even better chance of beating me. Just don't get online with me on Call of Duty 4. I will bring your entire world crashing down. Well, everyone who reads this site on a regular basis, at least. Okay, maybe except for Miles. He's pretty good.

Adapted Screenplay
“Atonement”
“Away from Her”
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood"

Even though the Coens already have a Best Screenplay Oscar for Fargo, I don't see how they can lose this one. However, I could see Atonement having an outside chance. It didn't get nearly as many nods as I thought it would, so this might be the only major one it gets.

Original Screenplay
“Juno”
“Lars and the Real Girl”
“Michael Clayton”
“Ratatouille”
“The Savages”

Here's where I think Juno will get its validation. However, if Michael Clayton wins this, it'll be a good indicator of how the night will go for that film.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War"
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild”
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

Bardem HAS to take this one. Talk about a creepy motherfucker. I'll give Hal Holbrook the outside shot, since he's had a long and storied career, and Hollywood likes to reward those with token awards when they get a chance (see also: Michael Caine). Casey Affleck won't win an Oscar because of his name. The Academy voters probably still regret giving his brother one. Even though Good Will Hunting is a really good film, has he done anything worth half a shit since then? Lemme check: Nope. If he's being anything but a USDA-Prime asshole in a film, it's a minor miracle. In fact, he's another in the countless reasons why I'm rooting against the Patriots in the Super Bowl this year.

Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster”
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone”
Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

This is a tough one. I'm gonna go with Tilda Swinton, but that's mainly because I think Michael Clayton is gonna walk away with the most awards. The only sure thing here is that Cate Blanchett won't win another Oscar for the rest of her life. If she does, it'll be because she TRULY deserves it, and not like The Aviator. Her Kate Hepburn impression was nails on a chalkboard, but apparently, it was Oscar-worthy. I call it the Renee Zellweger Effect.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah”
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”

Holy shit. Viggo actually has a chance! He IS great in the film, but there are some BIG names ahead of him. The one thing he has going for him is Clooney, Day-Lewis, and Jones all have statues already, and I doubt they'll give Depp one for acting weird in yet another Tim Burton movie, no matter how many songs he sings. But still, Depp is the 'it' guy in Hollywood, so you never know. I'm gonna go with Viggo, but I'll be surprised if they actually give it to him.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”
Julie Christie in “Away from Her”
Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose”
Laura Linney in “The Savages”
Ellen Page in “Juno”

If there is any justice, Julie Christie will win. Her performance in 'Away from Her' is truly heartbreaking. However, there is no justice in Hollywood. I know this because Uwe Boll keeps making movies. So, I'll make her the outside pick. Laura Linney is my pick to win it. She's consistently great. I don't see them giving it to Ellen Page, no matter how good she was, and getting nominated is as good as a win for Marion Cotillard. Cate Blanchett? Yeah, I think I covered her already.

Achievement in Directing
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

It's hard to bet against No Country in this one. Juno and Diving Bell were both made by relative noobies, and Michael Clayton was made by a first-timer. If any of those three win this award, I hope Martin Scorsese goes on a shooting spree on Mulholland Drive. And by shooting, I don't mean film.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
“Atonement”
“Juno”
“Michael Clayton”
“No Country for Old Men”
“There Will Be Blood”

This group scares me the most. I'm gonna pick No Country for Old Men, but I really have no idea. In recent years, the Academy has made some weird choices for Best Picture. Crash? Give me a fucking break. I'm a pretty liberal person, but even I can see that Crash was a bunch of preachy, hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbayaa bullshit. Million Dollar Baby? If the corner man could've picked up the stool like he was supposed to, the film wouldn't have had a reason to exist. And don't get me started on Shakespeare in Love. There is no possible reason why Saving Private Ryan should've lost to that bullshit, other than the Weinsteins were so powerful at that point in their career that they could've bought all of Sunset Boulevard, much less a gold statue. Wasn't Ben Affleck in that film too?


/shakes head

Post your picks for the winners in the comment section. The winner gets a date with Ben, and gonorrhea, in that order. Good luck!

The internet is the ideal medium for picking on Amish people

If you ever wanted to say something bad about an Amish person, the internet would obviously be the ideal place to do so. You could write anything you wanted, and they would never know about it. If an Amish person ever came up to you and said "Hey, jackass, I read what you wrote on your website about me!" I would be like "On what? Your computer powered by horseshit and prayers?"

The hard part is that I can't even imagine what you could say that would be bad about Amish people. They live their lives the way they want. They actually believe in and practice peace, something that many Christian people have a tendency to ignore, particularly when voting. Amish people just want to live simple lives, like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. We have free reign to say whatever bad things we want with no consequences, and it turns out you can't really bag on them after all. Now that's a conundrum.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time...

God bless the internet.

'How do you know if your cat is Jewish?'

'Because he's wearing one of THESE!'


Don't ask how I found this, or why. Just know that it exists, and you can get one HERE.

We came, we threw down, we conquered

Well, there were no local barflies with snakes, no free rounds of beer, and the Dixie Chicks didn't show up again this year, but I'd still have to say that the 2nd Annual Benson Pub Crawl was just as much a success as was the 1st. There wasn't an official theme to the crawl, but in retrospect I'd say that it should have been "We don't stop (drinking) until the whistle blows", because the number of folks who crossed the finish line was at least 3 times greater than last year's Magnificent Seven. There was also a new record for the number of attendees, with 35 crawlers present at Louis' Bar, the first stop on the tour. After kicking off the tour by listening to inspirational music (BEER!!! by Psychostick) the party progressed through 5 downtown Benson establishments: Louis' Bar, The Musette, Burke's Pub (formerly the R Bar), Barley Street Tavern, and The Full House. The event marked the crawl debut of Cheaptrick, who has been much maligned for his egregious absences at both last year's Benson Crawl and at the Midget's St. Patrick's Day Bus Crawl. Despite beginning his beer consumption a full 3 1/2 hours before the official start of the 2nd Benson Crawl, though, he was still upright and conscious at the time of last call at The Full House. This should lay to rest the rumors that Cheaptrick simply "can't hang". In fact it must be sweet revenge to Cheaptrick to know that one of his most vocal detractors (I'll call him the Hebrew Hammer) was unable to stay the course and finish the tour himself. Those of you who know the Angry Midget will not be surprised that he was in usual form, and threw down with the best.

As you can see from the following candid shots, he wasn't the only one...

You'll see in one of these pictures that even Mrs. Angry Midget was getting wild. So much so that she later related that she has no recollection at all of the 4th stop in the tour.

The participants of this year's Benson Crawl all automatically get first priority for a spot on the Angry Midget's proposed 2nd Annual St. Patrick's Day Bus Crawl. Maybe we'll be recovered by then...

Presidential Breakdown

I got an email the other day that is demonstrative of how far things have regressed for me intellectually since I started school again. "Ryan" the email started as so many in my email Inbox do(even the ones promising me a larger member) "You started the blog to talk about politics. Yet, all you write about is drinking and video games, and how much you hate PETA. What gives? Also, I have cheap VIagra and CIALIS for larger member."

The main reason that I have been low key about the Presidential races is complete saturation. I am having a really hard time getting excited about any of the candidates. I'm in the 4th stage of Ryan's cycle of political awareness, complacency, which follows anger and is followed by the 5th and final step death.

You've probably observed that I tend to lean hard to the left of all things political. I've said on this blog before, obviously while I was high on crack, that I could potentially vote for a moderate Republican candidate, like John McCain, but that was before McCain started making public appearances with Jerry Fallwell of the evil empire, simply to appeal to the religious orgy that permeates all Republican activities. I try to approach both parties with an open mind, but now, more than ever before, the idea of a Mormon being the best your party has to offer solidifies my commitment to my political values and the Democratic party.

That leaves what I think are the three leading Democratic candidates: B-Rock Obama, Mrs. Bill Clinton, and John Edwards. I would vote for any of the three over any of the Republican candidates without a second thought on the matter. How lame is the primary season where you just don't care who the candidate is for your party, because you know you don't have any choice beyond what color socks to wear when you vote?

This is what our process has boiled down to, and I have a hard time getting fired up about arguing over which Democrat I will end up voting for, because the Republican candidates are straight up frightening people, primarily because of their association with various aspects of religious organizations that are attempting influence political activities. We saw how well that worked over the last 7 years.

Pub Crawl Survival Tips

Only about 30 hours left until the Benson Pub Crawl 2008, so I thought I would post some lessons learned from previous adventures (See Exhibits A and B).

1) Pace yourself - This is probably the most important piece of advice in anything you do in your life: getting through college, sex, marriage, and of course, pub crawls. Last year's Benson crawl would have been more enjoyable for a certain friend of mine, who I will refer to as the Hebrew Hammer, if we had not started the crawl with the following drinks in the first 15 minutes:
Double Captain and Coke
Jager Bomb
Beer
Unless you want to go to bed earlier than your babysitter is putting your kids to sleep, avoid what I now refer to as a "suicide start".

2) Avoid lengthy discussions with surly regulars - Bar crawls that take you to fancy bars that have a cover charge can get expensive. Plus, why pay to hang out with a bunch of douchebags your own age, when there's a bar right around the corner where you can hang out with douchebags your parents' age for free. Becuase of this, some of the best and worst things that happened in previous crawls were directly related to someone trying to be friendly, and start a conversation with one of the natives. If you do not heed this warning, you may be exposed to the following:
- A biker's bare ass
- Highly slurred insults and profanity
- Proof that if you ever become severely brain damaged from a head injury, that you can always hang out in a local bar and harass pub crawlers.

3) Observe the code of silence - One of the most psychologically damaging effects on bar patrons and staff who are not part of a pub crawl is the sudden influx of humanity that a well-promoted crawl can bring to a bar. You can double mindfuck these poor bastards by denying any relationship between the 40 people who simultaneously ended up in the bar. It makes them think there was an invasion or something, and when all parties involved deny association, it makes them feel like they are in a David Lynch movie. But, not the one with the hot lesbian sex.

2nd Annual Benson Pub Crawl

This Saturday marks the return of one the coolest and best things to do this Saturday in Omaha: The Historic Benson Pub Crawl and Winter Retreat. With Leptodactylus serving as our fearless leader, a group (currently around 30 people) of mere mortals will become drunk mortals at several of the Benson neighborhood's finest establishments and some of their dives. Mostly the dives.

A list of the participating bars and taverns can be found on Yelp. Just search Omaha, Nebraska for Benson Pub Crawl and see Related Lists at the bottom. I have created a blow-by-blow of what is easily the most important thing ever to happen in human history.

Top 20 Metalocalypse Moments (Season 1)

First of all, Happy New Year to all you freaks. I found this on YouTube today and thought you'd all appreciate it. Consider it my Xmas present (and yes, I purposefully took the 'Christ' out of 'Christmas' just to piss off any holier-than-thou types who might accidentally end up here). Here are the top 20 moments from the Adult Swim cartoon 'Metalocalypse':



You don't have to like heavy metal to appreciate the humor in the show, but if you do, you'll catch some inside jokes here and there. Season 1 is available on DVD at most retailers, or you can get it HERE.

PETA: People Eviscerating Therapeutic Advances

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) is probably one of my least favorite organizations of all time. I have several reasons behind my disgust. I eat meat, and have never once felt the least bit guilty about it. Given the magnitude of other problems, like violent crime against people for example, I think it's hilarious that people choose to advocate this point of view so violently themselves. Furthermore, unless you grow your own food at your own house, don't drive a gas-powered vehicle, don't use electricity, natural gas the internet or watch TV, some of the things that you do in your daily life will kill animals. Where do you draw the line? It's Ok to run over animals with a combine at an organic farming operation, but I can't eat one?

My newest objecting against PETA is the realization that the entire organization is suffering from a much more obvious source of hypocrisy: PETA kills animals too. Somehow, PETA and their members are still morally superior than the rest of us because they don't eat the animals they kill.

PETA has made death threats against several of my colleauges who perform humane animal research and their families. While the Bush Administration's lack of funding for health research is absolutely the largest barrier to development and advancement of health research, PETA's agenda of terror against fellow humans is more dangerous. As a result, you'll notice a new banner with links on our sidebar.

From Buyer to Seller...

I haven't been too active on the site lately, but there's a good reason for it: I decided to make a career change. After more than eight years as a product buyer, I applied for a sales position with a video game company, and they offered it to me in November. I started last week, and have been pretty busy trying to learn the ropes, so to speak. Anyway, don't worry yourselves too much. Next week, I'll have a good bit of down time, so I'll get back to posting YouTube links to incredibly awful videos (if I can pull myself away from Call of Duty 4 or Mass Effect long enough).

Until then, I wish you all a merry Kwanzaa, and I leave you with an early Christmas gift ... a wallpaper that I think you'll all appreciate.

White Trash Economics 101

Stupidity is alive and well in Omaha. For those of you who don't follow college sports like some cult religion, Omaha has a contract with the NCAA to host the College World Series (CWS) each year at Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium. Any sane human being who has been to a game at Rosenblatt will tell you that it's not only a pretty marginal stadium with a serious lack of capacity for an event like the CWS, but the traffic getting in and out makes Dodger Stadium in L.A. look like the Autobahn.

Because of the obvious disadvantages that Rosenblatt has over many modern stadiums, the NCAA told the group that organizes the CWS for the city, that either Rosenblatt needs to be improved or a new stadium needs to be built in order to keep the CWS in Omaha on a long-term basis. Considering that the 2 week long event each June brings in millions of dollars to the local economy, you would think that the fine folks of Omaha would be doing everything they could to meet whatever demands the NCAA makes. After the CWS, the next biggest event in Omaha is the North American Stained Glass Convention, and that actually costs the city money because of all the broken windows.

Based on the request from the NCAA, the cost of improvements to Rosenblatt was estimated on the far side of $25 million. Plans for a brand new downtown stadium came in at $30 million. Personally, I don't care what the city decides, as long as the objective is to keep the CWS in Omaha. An amazing number of people have signed and online petition, put signs in their yard, and taken the time to write annoying letters to the editor of the Omaha World Herald. Their message Save Rosenblatt.

Instead of putting a sign in their yard that says "Do whatever the fuck the NCAA tells us to do to keep the CWS in Omaha", these folks love their stadium so much, they don't care what the NCAA says. I hope they like watching the Omaha Royals, because I won't be the least bit surprised if the NCAA moves the series, if more improvements are made to the outdated stadium.

The Cheats Lose (Again)

I'll be the first to admit it's been a rough year for my Denver Broncos. Our defense has played as though we've been starting deceased CB Darrent Williams despite his death. Jay Cutler's been more inconsistent than sex for married people. The Broncos will likely miss the playoffs barring a significant collapse by one of the team's ahead of them in the next four weeks. But on this Monday morning, I'm smiling. Why? Because no matter how bad this season was, the Broncos still managed to beat the KC Chiefs both times they played them, and considering how the game went yesterday beat is an understatement. ESPN chose the word crush to describe what the Broncos did to the Chiefs.

Watch for the following excuses from Cheats fans that you might encounter:

Inexperienced QB - Didn't seem to keep the Broncos from throwing 6 TD passes in the two meetings this year. I thought I was going to miss Trent Green, but I don't.

The Chiefs have been decimated by injuries - Two Broncos were killed in the off-season.

Herm Edwards is a shitty coach - I'll give you that one. I've been saying that since he was with the Jets.

Because both the Broncos and the Chiefs are all but mathmatically eliminated from the playoffs, the Chiefs will have to wait until next year to experience this level of humiliation at the hands of the Mile High marauders again. And I can't wait.

Werewolf is boys .... naked.

Viking sent me this .... and afterwards, I actually considered not posting it here. Then, I thought about the people who view this website ... and realized that I had no choice.



I used to think poetry slams were lame, until now.

Heismen Highlights

I know how much you all care about who will win the Heisman Trophy tomorrow, so I wanted to give you some highlights of the top 3 candidates to help you with your pick.

First, Tim Tebow, Florida QB-


Next, Arkansas RB Darren McFadden


Finally, check out this clip of Missouri's QB Chase Daniel.

new Wii game for The Midget

Streets 12/25!

The Angry Midget buys last Wii system in Nebraska, sets random emo kid on murder rampage

Ryan, you may say that you feel no guilt for buying that Wii system, but at some point you will have to accept responsibility for your actions.

THIS guy:


... wanted to buy a Wii. The Midge had but one response for him:


You ruined Christmas for all the kids in Nebraska, and now this kid ruined Christmas for ALL of Nebraska. Are you happy now?

P.S. Any connection between the above post and the truth are wholly coincidental.