You all know by now how much I love politics. So you can imagine that I am very pleased to be heading to our nation's capital tomorrow to meet with Nebraska Congressional Delegation (All Republicans except Ben Nelson, who is a fake Democrat). Part of my job is lobbying for causes related to what I do for a living, and over the next few days, I get a chance to stick it to the man. One of the downsides of this being a job related trip is that I can't let my personal politics run the show, but fortunately, it's not like I work for an oil company and what I'm doing is completely counter to everything that I believe. I will send an update to let you all know how things go, and hopefully there won't be any major events while I am there.
During one of my previous trips to Washington, a guy named Timothy McVeigh exploded the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. At the time, they weren't sure if it was an Islamic terrorist group or part of some larger terrorist plot, so the entire city shut down, and I didn't get a chance to do much of anything while I was there. Remember, back when crazy conservatives like Eric Rudolf and Timothy McVeigh used to be the source of domestic terrorism? Those were the good old days.
At any rate, have a great weekend, enjoy the NCAA Sweet 16, and watch for updates from DC.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Snow Day!
What's 17 inches and white? The pile of snow that's supposed to be accumulating in my backyard by tomorrow morning, you dirty-minded bastards. Omaha is about to get slammed with some pretty substantial snowfall. Check this out. When the radar map looks as white as Robert Downey Jr.'s coffee table, you know you're in for it.
Mister Bling wrote a few months ago about people in Dallas freaking out about and ice storm. After this weekend, I can tell you that people in Omaha are no more equipped to handle the threat of "severe" weather. The news showed people stocking up on food at local stores, as if somehow one of the undocumented side effects of snowfall is uncontrollable hunger. All one has to do is look at the 5 day outlook, and you realize that by Thursday, temperatures will be in the 50s. I hope people don't starve because of the snow storm.
What's worse is that people drive like blind morons. If I see another Jeep Cherokee or Ford Explorer fly by me, only to end up stuck in the median, I might have to start a seperate website just for those pictures. The only thing having an SUV will do for you is increase the likelihood of global warming and decrease the availability of fossil fuels for the rest of us. Your 2-ton symbol of our dependence on the Middle East for oil is no more safe on snow and ice than a semi-truck full of explosives running into a fireworks stand near a nuclear power plant.
And for what? We'll probably end up getting just over 8" of snow, and it will all be gone in two days because it's March, and snow doesn't hang around in March. If I'm wrong, great, but I still have a 50% chance of being more accurate than the local weather people.
Mister Bling wrote a few months ago about people in Dallas freaking out about and ice storm. After this weekend, I can tell you that people in Omaha are no more equipped to handle the threat of "severe" weather. The news showed people stocking up on food at local stores, as if somehow one of the undocumented side effects of snowfall is uncontrollable hunger. All one has to do is look at the 5 day outlook, and you realize that by Thursday, temperatures will be in the 50s. I hope people don't starve because of the snow storm.
What's worse is that people drive like blind morons. If I see another Jeep Cherokee or Ford Explorer fly by me, only to end up stuck in the median, I might have to start a seperate website just for those pictures. The only thing having an SUV will do for you is increase the likelihood of global warming and decrease the availability of fossil fuels for the rest of us. Your 2-ton symbol of our dependence on the Middle East for oil is no more safe on snow and ice than a semi-truck full of explosives running into a fireworks stand near a nuclear power plant.
And for what? We'll probably end up getting just over 8" of snow, and it will all be gone in two days because it's March, and snow doesn't hang around in March. If I'm wrong, great, but I still have a 50% chance of being more accurate than the local weather people.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Happy St. Patrick's Day from The Angry Midget
Angry Midget wedding pics or St. Patrick's Day Celebration It's that time of year again. Time for what The Onion refers to as the Reinforcing O' the Stereotypes. So dust off your bagpipes, get out your penny whistle, and get ready to get so wasted that you would beat up your own grandma.
I was reading something this morning from some pretentious blogger who was saying that St. Patrick's Day is a holiday for the REAL Irish people. I hate assholes like that. This is a holiday for anyone with a mouth and a functioning liver, and to be honest, I'm not sure you even need the second one, although it greatly improves a person's chances of survival on this great day. I don't care if you're Polynesian, Chilean, Sudanese, or Argentinian get your ass out there and drink some green beers!
St. Patrick's Day embodies what is severely lacking in other holidays. Most of us work really hard at our jobs, day in and day out, slaving for the "man". We need more holidays where people can rent a bus to drive them around to various drinking establishments, drink excessively, and celebrate as a community, regardless of religion, race, sexual preferences, or political party affiliations. If we had about 52 more holidays a year like this, we would be going to war, because no one would want to miss out on the great party that was coming up the next week. We'll call this new holiday Saturday.
Unfortunately, having a community drunk fest every Saturday does have it's drawbacks, including liver and/or kidney failure, loss of spouse, frequent urination, morning episodes of dry mouth, skanks in bed syndrome (for you singletons out there), loss of car keys, loss in income to the Taco Bell drive-through, and memory loss.
Whatever you find yourself doing today in celebration, be safe, rent a bus or hire a cab, and may the luck of the Irish be with you every day!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
A Cleveland Steamer for Insurance Companies
Check yesterday's post to see what a Cleveland Steamer is, if this is not yet clear to you.
Health care in the US is like a drunk, schizophrenic uncle. You don't want people to know how bad things are, let alone that you're somehow related. But like 10 million children without adequate health insurance, drunk, mentally unstable relatives are hard to hide, particularly when the US is always waving the flag and bragging about what a damn good country we are.
I think the US is great, don't get me wrong. But as CowboyLaw has pointed out so eloquently before, it's very important to have a mature and realistic patriotism which takes into account the good and bad of American goverment, as opposed to the Lee Greenwood-esque, real patriots don't question the President-style of patriotism that seems to pervade the right-wing these days. One of the biggest challenges we face is that we do a piss poor job of caring for the children in this country.
For a country that has the wealth and resources of the US, we have no excuse for our half-assed approach to insuring children. I personally feel that everyone should have access to basic health care, but even the most psychotic conservative would agree that children, who can't get jobs or pick who their parents are, should have access to care. When Howard Dean suggested universal healthcare for children during the 2004 Presidential Campaign, he was maligned and called a Socialist.
Critics of universal health care use Canada as the example of why government health insurance won't work. They cite substandard care and long waits for services that characterize the Canadian system. The problem with the US making those kind of statements is that it's like Charlie Sheen calling someone a sex-crazed coke-head: hypocritical. People don't have to wait for care or worry about the quality of care in the US, because a good portion of our population gets no care at all or gets substandard care because they can't afford it.
So before you start singing "And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today," you might want to take a deep breath and decide how truly proud you are that we can't get our shit together on health care. The costs to cover only the children in this country per year would be about $5 billion. That's what we're spending every three weeks in Iraq alone. And things just keep getting better in Iraq every single day. Money well spent.
Aside from the fact that people have to hold bake sales and spagetti dinners to pay for chemotherapy for their 8 year-old, the fact that people don't have adequate care means that people who do have insurance have to pay more for care since hospitals are forced to shift costs to those who can afford to pay, just to keep their doors open. Having worked for a number of hospitals, both private and not-for-profit, I can attest that most hospitals operate deep in the red and absorb significant costs for patients either not covered or with inadequate coverage.
I can already see the email someone is typing to me: Ryan, all you do is complain! Do you have any solutions to this problem? Actually, for once I do have a solution. Every American gets access to basic health care services like primary care, immunizations, prescriptions etc. Kids get everything paid for until they're 18 years old, and yes, Pope Benedict, even birth control. If you are an adult and want more than just the basic level of care, you purchase a supplemental policy from a private insurance company. This allows the government to purchase drugs in bulk, like the VA does currently, and cuts costs significantly.
Another thing - if you decide to smoke cigarettes, you are not eligible for basic government health care. People can smoke all they want, but you should forfeit your rights to government health care if you choose to smoke, because I don't want to pay for your habit, any more than you would want to pay for my liver transplant because I favor single malt scotch.
This plan works because private insurance companies can still provide supplemental policies, but the government handles all the high-volume services and prescriptions, which should make the insurance industry that much more profitable. Insurance companies are filthy rich, kids are healthy, we all win.
The problem? This will never happen. The insurance industry profits immensely from the current situation. They want to blame doctors or lawyers or patients who abuse the system, but the fact of the matter is that the private insurance lobby in Washington has ridiculous amounts of money, and will destroy any piece of legislation that might cut into their multi-million dollar profits before it even gets out of committee.
Eventually, things will have to change. Until then, eat lots of fruits and vegetables and don't let anyone talk you into doing something they read about in the Urban Encyclopedia.
Health care in the US is like a drunk, schizophrenic uncle. You don't want people to know how bad things are, let alone that you're somehow related. But like 10 million children without adequate health insurance, drunk, mentally unstable relatives are hard to hide, particularly when the US is always waving the flag and bragging about what a damn good country we are.
I think the US is great, don't get me wrong. But as CowboyLaw has pointed out so eloquently before, it's very important to have a mature and realistic patriotism which takes into account the good and bad of American goverment, as opposed to the Lee Greenwood-esque, real patriots don't question the President-style of patriotism that seems to pervade the right-wing these days. One of the biggest challenges we face is that we do a piss poor job of caring for the children in this country.
For a country that has the wealth and resources of the US, we have no excuse for our half-assed approach to insuring children. I personally feel that everyone should have access to basic health care, but even the most psychotic conservative would agree that children, who can't get jobs or pick who their parents are, should have access to care. When Howard Dean suggested universal healthcare for children during the 2004 Presidential Campaign, he was maligned and called a Socialist.
Critics of universal health care use Canada as the example of why government health insurance won't work. They cite substandard care and long waits for services that characterize the Canadian system. The problem with the US making those kind of statements is that it's like Charlie Sheen calling someone a sex-crazed coke-head: hypocritical. People don't have to wait for care or worry about the quality of care in the US, because a good portion of our population gets no care at all or gets substandard care because they can't afford it.
So before you start singing "And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today," you might want to take a deep breath and decide how truly proud you are that we can't get our shit together on health care. The costs to cover only the children in this country per year would be about $5 billion. That's what we're spending every three weeks in Iraq alone. And things just keep getting better in Iraq every single day. Money well spent.
Aside from the fact that people have to hold bake sales and spagetti dinners to pay for chemotherapy for their 8 year-old, the fact that people don't have adequate care means that people who do have insurance have to pay more for care since hospitals are forced to shift costs to those who can afford to pay, just to keep their doors open. Having worked for a number of hospitals, both private and not-for-profit, I can attest that most hospitals operate deep in the red and absorb significant costs for patients either not covered or with inadequate coverage.
I can already see the email someone is typing to me: Ryan, all you do is complain! Do you have any solutions to this problem? Actually, for once I do have a solution. Every American gets access to basic health care services like primary care, immunizations, prescriptions etc. Kids get everything paid for until they're 18 years old, and yes, Pope Benedict, even birth control. If you are an adult and want more than just the basic level of care, you purchase a supplemental policy from a private insurance company. This allows the government to purchase drugs in bulk, like the VA does currently, and cuts costs significantly.
Another thing - if you decide to smoke cigarettes, you are not eligible for basic government health care. People can smoke all they want, but you should forfeit your rights to government health care if you choose to smoke, because I don't want to pay for your habit, any more than you would want to pay for my liver transplant because I favor single malt scotch.
This plan works because private insurance companies can still provide supplemental policies, but the government handles all the high-volume services and prescriptions, which should make the insurance industry that much more profitable. Insurance companies are filthy rich, kids are healthy, we all win.
The problem? This will never happen. The insurance industry profits immensely from the current situation. They want to blame doctors or lawyers or patients who abuse the system, but the fact of the matter is that the private insurance lobby in Washington has ridiculous amounts of money, and will destroy any piece of legislation that might cut into their multi-million dollar profits before it even gets out of committee.
Eventually, things will have to change. Until then, eat lots of fruits and vegetables and don't let anyone talk you into doing something they read about in the Urban Encyclopedia.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Define your world.
Don't you hate it when you hear a phrase or an abbreviation, and you don't know what it means? I know I did, until someone showed me Urban Dictionary. No matter how vulgar, hateful, or just plain nasty, it's on there. Now you don't have to sit through that scene in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and wonder what an 'alligator fuckhouse' is, because someone who knew posted a definition.
Here are a few of my recent favorites:
frosty penguin
Walmart pussy
sack inch
cherry danish
Viper piss
McDiddler
Cleveland Steamer
The Angry Midget knows about this one:
Three-legged surprise
And my personal favorite:
Michael J Foxing
Surf the site, and post some of your favorites in the Comments section! Because like drunk sorority women, some things in life are meant to be shared.
Here are a few of my recent favorites:
frosty penguin
Walmart pussy
sack inch
cherry danish
Viper piss
McDiddler
Cleveland Steamer
The Angry Midget knows about this one:
Three-legged surprise
And my personal favorite:
Michael J Foxing
Surf the site, and post some of your favorites in the Comments section! Because like drunk sorority women, some things in life are meant to be shared.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
All you need is Blogs
I was searching for a job as a pirate the other day, and by entering pluder into a search engine, I found this blog. Essentially, it's a blog that offers investment advice from a woman in Los Angeles. Now, we're all intimately aware of blogs where people share their misguided opinions, dreams, and sexual fantasies (last one probably NSFW, unless you work for the VA or something). Let me start by saying that I am hardly Warren Buffett. Despite the fact that we're white and both reside in Omaha, NE, the similarities end there. I am short and intoxicated. He is wise and wealthy. Even though I am not Warren Buffett, I can tell you that I would not take investment advice from someone's blog. I'm still on the fence about whether or not I would take someone's advice about where to eat from a blog, let alone what to do with my retirement. It doesn't help my confidence that this person has only posted three times, one of which includes a disclaimer that essentially amounts to "Don't sue me if you lose all your money following my advice." If you would buy into investment advice from a blog, CowboyLaw and I have some land for sale south of New Orleans. Real cheap.
This got me thinking about what sorts of blogs are out there. Here's one from a guy with no self-esteem who really likes Jesus a whole lot (for those of you who miss the old site, you could start going here to get all nostalgic). There are blogs for right-wing pirates, gay christians, and even Israeli animal rights activists. There's truly something for everyone.
Here are some of my favorites that I found:
Gaytona - a website for Gay NASCAR fans
The Wikipedia entry for NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association)
The National Black Republican Association
The Pope Benedict XVI Fan Club
Hate Mail to the Author of a website called People Eating Tasty Animals
If you find some other great ones, put 'em in the comments.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Hate Mail - O- Rama!
When I started writing here over a year ago, it seemed like a got a fair amount of email from individuals who didn't agree with my opinions on things. Anymore, it's a rare occasion that I get anything that isn't either spam from someone else telling me to check out their blog or involving penis enlargment options. Therefore, I don't check ryantheangrymidget@hotmail.com nearly as often as I used to. When I did check the my email this week, however, I got a TREAT of an message from someone who definitely doesn't share my views or those of my co-conspirators on this website. You might want to put the kids to bed before you read this one out loud ( I didn't correct the grammatical or punctuation errors):
Ryan (Asshole),
I stumbled across your blog by hitting the Next Blog button on the toolbar at the top of the screen. I've never been more sorry about doing something in all my life. I can tell that you and your friends think you're a bunch of comedians. You think you're so damned smart and enlightened with how you criticize conservatives or Oprah or whatever is pissing you off.
The fact is that you and your posse are all going to rot in hell. You're commentary shows how little you know about life and about politics and how things work in the world. When you criticize the Presdient, you put yourselves in the same category as those ragheads that killed thousands at the World Trade Center. We need to be a united front against terrorists, and people like you only seek to divide our country with lies and liberal bullshit.
If I passed you burning by the side of the road, I wouldn't piss on you to put it out. While people like you kill unborn children by supporting abortion and terrorists, you should realize that real Amercans support President Bush and the troops and don't just spread lies. You should get your friends together and go to church. You might learn a thing or two.
Stop spreading hate and lies on your website. You will pay for your sins.
Name removed
I think it really speaks for itself in terms of quality and logic. I wonder what I will have to do to become a real "Amercan", as he so eloquently put it. I looked up what an Amercan is on MSN Encarta and Google, and I couldn't find what it was, but apparently whatever an Amercan is must be quite desirable for conservatives. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.
Ryan (Asshole),
I stumbled across your blog by hitting the Next Blog button on the toolbar at the top of the screen. I've never been more sorry about doing something in all my life. I can tell that you and your friends think you're a bunch of comedians. You think you're so damned smart and enlightened with how you criticize conservatives or Oprah or whatever is pissing you off.
The fact is that you and your posse are all going to rot in hell. You're commentary shows how little you know about life and about politics and how things work in the world. When you criticize the Presdient, you put yourselves in the same category as those ragheads that killed thousands at the World Trade Center. We need to be a united front against terrorists, and people like you only seek to divide our country with lies and liberal bullshit.
If I passed you burning by the side of the road, I wouldn't piss on you to put it out. While people like you kill unborn children by supporting abortion and terrorists, you should realize that real Amercans support President Bush and the troops and don't just spread lies. You should get your friends together and go to church. You might learn a thing or two.
Stop spreading hate and lies on your website. You will pay for your sins.
Name removed
I think it really speaks for itself in terms of quality and logic. I wonder what I will have to do to become a real "Amercan", as he so eloquently put it. I looked up what an Amercan is on MSN Encarta and Google, and I couldn't find what it was, but apparently whatever an Amercan is must be quite desirable for conservatives. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Oscar / UFC follow-up
I promised an update on my weekend today, so for my six loyal readers, here it is.
Oscar -- I got Best Picture wrong, but so did a lot of others. Every other pick was correct (although it was a pretty easy year, methinks). I also won the office pool, and by just one point. I got 19 out of 24 correct. I'm pretty sure that I won only because I picked 'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp' to win Best Song, not because I thought it would win, but because I thought it was the Best Song. I also am pretty sure that I'm the only one in my office who picked it to win, although I'll find out tomorrow morning ... when I collect my winnings!
Vegas / UFC 58 -- Speaking of winnings, I wish I would've had some in Vegas this past weekend. Lost about $150 on craps and a dash of slots. Got food poisoning from McDonalds (in fact, I think that it was called the 'Food Poisoning Breakfast Combo'), so I've now added them to the short list of fast-food joints that I've sworn off. But none of that matters, because we had great seats for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, and we got to get into an after-party hosted by Dana White, the president of the UFC. Pics posted below. And yes, that is a shit-eating grin on my face in both of them.
Oscar -- I got Best Picture wrong, but so did a lot of others. Every other pick was correct (although it was a pretty easy year, methinks). I also won the office pool, and by just one point. I got 19 out of 24 correct. I'm pretty sure that I won only because I picked 'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp' to win Best Song, not because I thought it would win, but because I thought it was the Best Song. I also am pretty sure that I'm the only one in my office who picked it to win, although I'll find out tomorrow morning ... when I collect my winnings!
Vegas / UFC 58 -- Speaking of winnings, I wish I would've had some in Vegas this past weekend. Lost about $150 on craps and a dash of slots. Got food poisoning from McDonalds (in fact, I think that it was called the 'Food Poisoning Breakfast Combo'), so I've now added them to the short list of fast-food joints that I've sworn off. But none of that matters, because we had great seats for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, and we got to get into an after-party hosted by Dana White, the president of the UFC. Pics posted below. And yes, that is a shit-eating grin on my face in both of them.
Dana White and me (he's the bald one, I'm the drunk one)
me and Matt Hughes, the UFC welterweight champion
Both of them were genuinely nice, and tolerated my drunken geeky fan-boy schtick (although I'm sure they're used to it by now).
As for my UFC picks, I got one wrong there too, and it was the Upset Special. Loiseau got owned in all five rounds. He couldn't take Franklin down, and Franklin lit him up. They stayed standing for all but seven of the 25 minutes of the bout, and even though it was very one-sided, it was incredible to watch. Loiseau absorbed more punishment than I've seen anyone take in quite some time.
And if you're new to the UFC, take a look at this link for some history, and a bit of a look forward. Having been a fan since the third UFC came out on VHS, I can attest to the growth that the writer speaks of. It went from a sideshow, to a legitimate event, to a real sanctioned sport.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Ryan, this one's for you.
I'll let the Midget comment on this one. I'm just gonna leave it alone .... kinda like Stan and Kyle when Jimmy and Timmy joined the Crips.
Scott Stapp comments on leaked sex tape.
Scott Stapp comments on leaked sex tape.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
KKK Members are Their Own Worst Advertising
Continuing my habit of taking on really unpopular stances and taking on beloved public figures, I'm going to dedicate this post to criticizing the KKK. I watched a relatively comprehensive history of the KKK on some random cable station in the high 100s yesterday, and I was struck by the irony of part-time small engine repairmen trumpeting the superiority of their race. Listening to them talk made me wonder if English was not their primary language until I remembered that none of them had the mental faculty to learn more than one language.
Watching the show raised another question in my mind: are Southerners generally unaware that they lost that war? It seems to me that, when you fight a war and just get the general crap beaten out of you, the flag you charged to defeat under would just be another grim and depressing reminder of how you got your ass handed to you. Japan certainly understood that---you don't see this flying anymore. And yet, illiterate, inbred Southerners just can't seem to get enough of the good ol' Stars & Bars. Once again, there is little I can offer by way of denigrating this Southern Rebel idea that The Onion hasn't already said, and said better.
Having written such a pithy, scathing Blog post, I would ordinarily be a bit nervous that we would receive a bunch of hate mail interspersed with random death threats. I would be, that is, except that the people I'm talking about are neither literate nor web-savvy. This site loads very slowly over a 5200 Baud dialup connection from the crawlspace under your Uncle Granddad's single-wide.
Watching the show raised another question in my mind: are Southerners generally unaware that they lost that war? It seems to me that, when you fight a war and just get the general crap beaten out of you, the flag you charged to defeat under would just be another grim and depressing reminder of how you got your ass handed to you. Japan certainly understood that---you don't see this flying anymore. And yet, illiterate, inbred Southerners just can't seem to get enough of the good ol' Stars & Bars. Once again, there is little I can offer by way of denigrating this Southern Rebel idea that The Onion hasn't already said, and said better.
Having written such a pithy, scathing Blog post, I would ordinarily be a bit nervous that we would receive a bunch of hate mail interspersed with random death threats. I would be, that is, except that the people I'm talking about are neither literate nor web-savvy. This site loads very slowly over a 5200 Baud dialup connection from the crawlspace under your Uncle Granddad's single-wide.
EW thinks I'm smart (and random UFC ramblings)
If you scroll down the page on this site, you'll see a post called 'Early Oscar Predictions.' The day the Oscar nominations were announced, I made some off-the-cuff picks for all of the major categories (because really, who gives half a fuck about Best Animated Short?). We'll find out how I did on these this weekend, but regardless, Entertainment Weekly should be calling me to write for them, as their picks for the major categories mirror mine exactly. Just thought I'd brag a little, while I still have a chance to brag about something, as I'm sure I won't hit every single one of those picks on Sunday night.
Speaking of Sunday night, I probably won't be watching the ceremony. Not that I have a problem with Jon Stewart, but I'll be in Vegas, still sobering up from the Ultimate Fighting Championship that takes place the night before. The guy who sometimes posts comments under the name 'Viking' got two free ringside tickets to UFC 58, and invited me to go. There was no question. I haven't been to a UFC since number Six in Casper, Wyoming. That was where Tank Abbott debuted, and knocked the living shit out of John Matua, in what the UFC has deemed to be an 'Ultimate Knockout.' Ahhh, the memories.
I'll post some Vegas pictures on Monday night, and hopefully I won't be fuming over a bunch of missed Oscar picks. Speaking of picks, I'm taking Georges St. 'Lucky' Pierre over B.J. Penn, the blazing fists of Mike 'Quick' Swick will be too much for Steve Vigneault , and in my 'Upset Special,' I'm taking David Loiseau over Rich Franklin. Picking against Franklin is never easy, but Loiseau's cheese-grater elbows will be too much for him if it gets to the ground. Also, for some made-up reason, they've removed Diego 'Dirty' Sanchez's fight off of the card. I'm assuming they found out that I was bringing a backpack full of D-batteries to throw at his head.
Speaking of Sunday night, I probably won't be watching the ceremony. Not that I have a problem with Jon Stewart, but I'll be in Vegas, still sobering up from the Ultimate Fighting Championship that takes place the night before. The guy who sometimes posts comments under the name 'Viking' got two free ringside tickets to UFC 58, and invited me to go. There was no question. I haven't been to a UFC since number Six in Casper, Wyoming. That was where Tank Abbott debuted, and knocked the living shit out of John Matua, in what the UFC has deemed to be an 'Ultimate Knockout.' Ahhh, the memories.
I'll post some Vegas pictures on Monday night, and hopefully I won't be fuming over a bunch of missed Oscar picks. Speaking of picks, I'm taking Georges St. 'Lucky' Pierre over B.J. Penn, the blazing fists of Mike 'Quick' Swick will be too much for Steve Vigneault , and in my 'Upset Special,' I'm taking David Loiseau over Rich Franklin. Picking against Franklin is never easy, but Loiseau's cheese-grater elbows will be too much for him if it gets to the ground. Also, for some made-up reason, they've removed Diego 'Dirty' Sanchez's fight off of the card. I'm assuming they found out that I was bringing a backpack full of D-batteries to throw at his head.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Things I've learned from Being Married
If there's one thing I constantly get questions about from people who read this site, it's about my marriage. YOU'RE married? What are you married to? Who in the hell would marry someone like you? These are all questions that I have received. I can assure you that I am married to a real human woman, without valves to inflate her. She's intelligent and incredibly attractive. And I have no idea how I ended up being lucky enough to be married to her.
If you read this website, you know what my personality is like. Physically, it's much worse in person than it seems over the internet. And yet somehow, I have been married for almost two whole years. And she does at least a semi-decent job of pretending to be happy, although this may be related to our dogs. I can't be 100% sure on that.
Because so many people are in awe that someone would marry me, I thought I would share some of the important things I have learned about marriage:
Communication is the DEVIL - Marriage counselors and therapists will cringe about this fact, but if there's one thing I've learned about being married, it's that communication can completely ruin your day and any chances you might have of having sex with your spouse. I have found the best strategy is to ignore most of what your spouse says, with the exception of issues which are absolutely essential for survival, such as food, water, shelter, sex and beer.
Find someone smarter, better looking, and more motivated than your are - In my case, the candidate pool of ladies that met this criterion was quite large. Despite that fact, marrying up, as some have described it, is the only way to go. You need someone with the intellectual capacity to solve the jigsaw puzzle with lots of missing and warped pieces that is you.
Wives hate video games - When my wife and I were dating many years ago, she actually purchased a PS2 for me. Nowadays, she gets annoyed that I am trying to take Indiana State to the Rose Bowl for an entire weekend on NCAA Football 06 or try to beat Halo 2 on Deity. Maybe he distaste for video games because I suggested that we use Fight Night 2 Boxing as a medium to settle our most difficult arguments? Who knows.
No amount of housework will satisfy the beast...I mean wife - When I lived alone, I did only enough housekeeping to ensure that the Health Department or Housing Authority wouldn't show up to condemn my apartment. I do slightly more than that now, but I think all married men will agree that no matter how much work you do around the house, that amount will not be sufficient to save you from your wife's scorn and dismay. As a result, make a list of everything that you do, and when she starts in on how lazy you are, start reading it at the top.
Find your wife a hobby - Most of my male friends have no shortage of hobbies. Video games, golf, drinking beer, watching sports, working on cars, and the list could go on for years. For whatever reason, women have a hell of a time finding ways to waste time. I like the idea of Roller Derby or brewing beer as two possible hobbies for my wife. Consider ideas like these that will merge your interests together (watching sports and drinking beer, in this case).
I am sure those of you who are married or similarly committed can add to the list as well.
If you read this website, you know what my personality is like. Physically, it's much worse in person than it seems over the internet. And yet somehow, I have been married for almost two whole years. And she does at least a semi-decent job of pretending to be happy, although this may be related to our dogs. I can't be 100% sure on that.
Because so many people are in awe that someone would marry me, I thought I would share some of the important things I have learned about marriage:
Communication is the DEVIL - Marriage counselors and therapists will cringe about this fact, but if there's one thing I've learned about being married, it's that communication can completely ruin your day and any chances you might have of having sex with your spouse. I have found the best strategy is to ignore most of what your spouse says, with the exception of issues which are absolutely essential for survival, such as food, water, shelter, sex and beer.
Find someone smarter, better looking, and more motivated than your are - In my case, the candidate pool of ladies that met this criterion was quite large. Despite that fact, marrying up, as some have described it, is the only way to go. You need someone with the intellectual capacity to solve the jigsaw puzzle with lots of missing and warped pieces that is you.
Wives hate video games - When my wife and I were dating many years ago, she actually purchased a PS2 for me. Nowadays, she gets annoyed that I am trying to take Indiana State to the Rose Bowl for an entire weekend on NCAA Football 06 or try to beat Halo 2 on Deity. Maybe he distaste for video games because I suggested that we use Fight Night 2 Boxing as a medium to settle our most difficult arguments? Who knows.
No amount of housework will satisfy the beast...I mean wife - When I lived alone, I did only enough housekeeping to ensure that the Health Department or Housing Authority wouldn't show up to condemn my apartment. I do slightly more than that now, but I think all married men will agree that no matter how much work you do around the house, that amount will not be sufficient to save you from your wife's scorn and dismay. As a result, make a list of everything that you do, and when she starts in on how lazy you are, start reading it at the top.
Find your wife a hobby - Most of my male friends have no shortage of hobbies. Video games, golf, drinking beer, watching sports, working on cars, and the list could go on for years. For whatever reason, women have a hell of a time finding ways to waste time. I like the idea of Roller Derby or brewing beer as two possible hobbies for my wife. Consider ideas like these that will merge your interests together (watching sports and drinking beer, in this case).
I am sure those of you who are married or similarly committed can add to the list as well.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Addiction, thy name is 'Guitar Hero.'
If you own a Playstation 2, do yourself a favor. Do NOT buy 'Guitar Hero.' Do not PLAY 'Guitar Hero.' If a co-worker starts talking about it, leave the room immediately. Trust me, you do NOT want what I have. And for once, that sentence doesn't deal with my sexual history.
I can't stop thinking about this game. Neither can a lot of people who play it. One try, and you're hooked. All you have to do is put on this controller (that comes with the game):
Looks like a Fisher Price reject, doesn't it? That's what I thought when I first saw it. I made fun of my friends who played it. Then, when no one was around, I tried it. Played 'Thunderkiss '65' on Easy. And that was all it took. If they ever do a redesign on the controller, they should just make it look like this:
Now I wake up every morning, and whatever song I'm currently stuck on is in my head, tormenting me, until I beat it, and then it's the next one. This is a vicious, never-ending cycle. For almost a week straight, it was Queen's 'Killer Queen.' I already hated the song to begin with, but being stuck on it, and having it play in my head repeatedly was pure torture. Now, it's Cream's 'Crossroads.'
My biggest problem is that I get stuck on songs I don't like, or don't know very well. I couldn't be lucky enough to get stuck on Helmet's 'Unsung' or Hendrix's 'Spanish Castle Magic,' although now that I'm on the Hard level, I'm sure I'll get stuck on Pantera's 'Cowboys from Hell' and Ozzy's 'Bark at the Moon', for weeks on end. But every time I think I've hit a wall, I go back and play other songs to get higher scores, and the practice helps me get past wherever I was stuck.
Some of my friends aren't very good at it, and some of them are good enough to require a real guitar, or a life, or maybe both. I don't think any of us will ever get to THIS point though. But that hardly matters. A bunch of us had Monday off, so I had everyone over to play some multiplayer, and when the last person left almost eight hours later, I continued to play for about two more. That's not a video game. That's an addiction. I've accepted this fact, but I don't want help, so the road to recovery is a long ways off for me.
Don't even walk past a video game store right now. Someone in there is talking about this game, at this very moment, and you don't want to get sucked in.
I can't stop thinking about this game. Neither can a lot of people who play it. One try, and you're hooked. All you have to do is put on this controller (that comes with the game):
Looks like a Fisher Price reject, doesn't it? That's what I thought when I first saw it. I made fun of my friends who played it. Then, when no one was around, I tried it. Played 'Thunderkiss '65' on Easy. And that was all it took. If they ever do a redesign on the controller, they should just make it look like this:
Now I wake up every morning, and whatever song I'm currently stuck on is in my head, tormenting me, until I beat it, and then it's the next one. This is a vicious, never-ending cycle. For almost a week straight, it was Queen's 'Killer Queen.' I already hated the song to begin with, but being stuck on it, and having it play in my head repeatedly was pure torture. Now, it's Cream's 'Crossroads.'
My biggest problem is that I get stuck on songs I don't like, or don't know very well. I couldn't be lucky enough to get stuck on Helmet's 'Unsung' or Hendrix's 'Spanish Castle Magic,' although now that I'm on the Hard level, I'm sure I'll get stuck on Pantera's 'Cowboys from Hell' and Ozzy's 'Bark at the Moon', for weeks on end. But every time I think I've hit a wall, I go back and play other songs to get higher scores, and the practice helps me get past wherever I was stuck.
Some of my friends aren't very good at it, and some of them are good enough to require a real guitar, or a life, or maybe both. I don't think any of us will ever get to THIS point though. But that hardly matters. A bunch of us had Monday off, so I had everyone over to play some multiplayer, and when the last person left almost eight hours later, I continued to play for about two more. That's not a video game. That's an addiction. I've accepted this fact, but I don't want help, so the road to recovery is a long ways off for me.
Don't even walk past a video game store right now. Someone in there is talking about this game, at this very moment, and you don't want to get sucked in.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Notice anything different?
You might be noticing as you read this that the color and layout of the website have changed completely. You might also recall my post from last week where I told people who wanted me to change the color and layout of my website to go jerk off a mule. After that posting, I received a number of emails from people who read the website, giving me lots of reasons why I should change it and that it wasn't all that difficult to do so.
I also got a request from a hearing impaired friend of mine, who said that my website format was not compatible with the equipment he uses to browse the net. This particular format apparently is. So there you go.
There were a number of problems with the previous layout, I was just too lazy to give a crap about changing them. Blogger has a number of very easy templates to use, but I like the website the way it was. And when you make the sort of changes that I made today, it applies them to all the archives, as well.
All previous comments have been erased, so if you could go back and re-comment on everything that you commented on in the past, that would be great.
I have said from the beginning that my point here is not to have a cool looking website. I'll leave that to all the people that win awards for their websites. I am more interested in content, which is also severely lacking, but I at least have the skills to work on that.
I also got a request from a hearing impaired friend of mine, who said that my website format was not compatible with the equipment he uses to browse the net. This particular format apparently is. So there you go.
There were a number of problems with the previous layout, I was just too lazy to give a crap about changing them. Blogger has a number of very easy templates to use, but I like the website the way it was. And when you make the sort of changes that I made today, it applies them to all the archives, as well.
All previous comments have been erased, so if you could go back and re-comment on everything that you commented on in the past, that would be great.
I have said from the beginning that my point here is not to have a cool looking website. I'll leave that to all the people that win awards for their websites. I am more interested in content, which is also severely lacking, but I at least have the skills to work on that.
Memory Makers
For a very long time, I have had an idea for a business. Some people have called it brilliant, others unethical or disgusting, but either way I think I'm on to something. Dead grandparents are a huge problem in this country. And, frankly, the problem is only going to get worse as the average age people have children increases, and the likelihood decreases that old grandma and grandpa are still going to be alive when kids graduate from college, get married and have other similarly important life events. Grandparents are supposed to be there for those kind of events.
When my wife and I got married almost 2 years ago, for example, none of our grandparents were alive to participate. I only had one grandparent alive when I graduated from high school. Aside from what this means for me genetically in terms of longevity, the other depressing part was not having our grandparents there to celebrate with us.
Which got me thinking: All over the country, we have thousands of elderly people who live in maximum security nursing homes for people with Alzheimer's Disease. Many of these people rarely get to have a night out on the town. Why couldn't their lack of ability to create new memories be a benefit to those of us without living grandparents.
Here's the business part: You're getting married, graduate, you don't have living grandparents. You call my company, Memory Makers. We rent you:
1) An elderly person or couple to act as your grandparent(s) during your event.
2) We provide costumes and accessories.
3) A gift that you select prior to the event.
4) We provide a security escort who we call "Uncle Bob from Toledo", who supervises your stand-in during the event to prevent "incidents".
5) We also spend a week before the event briefing your substitute relatives about who they "really" are, in order to enhance the authenticity of the experience.
I know what you're thinking: "Why didn't I think of this?" Probably because you're not completely insane and ethically challenged, as I am.
People's reactions when I have told them about this range from laughter to outrage. Most people think I'm kidding. Those who understand that I'm not kidding obviously have some ethical objection to "using" Alzheimer's patients as substitute relatives for the deceased. To those naysayers, I reply that people probably had ethical objections to automobiles (think of all the trees and animals we'll have to destroy for all those roads!), personal computers (think of all the pornography and subpar political commentary people will have access to!) and even the DVD (think of all those obsolete VHS tapes!). Those ideas turned out just fine.
Watch for Memory Makers coming soon to your city!
When my wife and I got married almost 2 years ago, for example, none of our grandparents were alive to participate. I only had one grandparent alive when I graduated from high school. Aside from what this means for me genetically in terms of longevity, the other depressing part was not having our grandparents there to celebrate with us.
Which got me thinking: All over the country, we have thousands of elderly people who live in maximum security nursing homes for people with Alzheimer's Disease. Many of these people rarely get to have a night out on the town. Why couldn't their lack of ability to create new memories be a benefit to those of us without living grandparents.
Here's the business part: You're getting married, graduate, you don't have living grandparents. You call my company, Memory Makers. We rent you:
1) An elderly person or couple to act as your grandparent(s) during your event.
2) We provide costumes and accessories.
3) A gift that you select prior to the event.
4) We provide a security escort who we call "Uncle Bob from Toledo", who supervises your stand-in during the event to prevent "incidents".
5) We also spend a week before the event briefing your substitute relatives about who they "really" are, in order to enhance the authenticity of the experience.
I know what you're thinking: "Why didn't I think of this?" Probably because you're not completely insane and ethically challenged, as I am.
People's reactions when I have told them about this range from laughter to outrage. Most people think I'm kidding. Those who understand that I'm not kidding obviously have some ethical objection to "using" Alzheimer's patients as substitute relatives for the deceased. To those naysayers, I reply that people probably had ethical objections to automobiles (think of all the trees and animals we'll have to destroy for all those roads!), personal computers (think of all the pornography and subpar political commentary people will have access to!) and even the DVD (think of all those obsolete VHS tapes!). Those ideas turned out just fine.
Watch for Memory Makers coming soon to your city!
Friday, February 17, 2006
Urbandead.com: Carnage and wasting zombies
Well, I have not posted for a VERY long time, and I'm going to diverge from the usual political or satirical commentary one usually finds on this site. In fact, what follows could pretty much be interpreted as "self-serving", but for once, I don't care. It all began a couple of months ago when I stumbled across (don't ask me to remember how) a site called The Zombie Survival Guide. From there, I was lead, via link, to something called Urbandead. It's a low-tech MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game) in which you choose to be either a human survivor or an undead zombie in a quarantined fictional city called Malton. Because it is low-tech, at first I thought, "what a waste". However, after I played a while, I started having a little fun with it. Of course, you start out at a low level and gradually collect things and build skills and become more badass over time. One of the features common in this game is that players form groups or gangs that work together to do various puerile things. Well, I've been playing for a few weeks, and I'm ready to start my own group. It occurred to me that perhaps I could recruit from the regular followers of this website. It would give us a chance to virtually act out our violent fantasies and wreak havoc on a bunch of 11-year-olds from Akron, or, if we're lucky, on a bunch of Republicans.
Because I lack creativity, and because I'd like to get some folks from this blog to join me, I've taken the liberty of "creatively" borrowing from Ryan and named my group "The Angry Midget Pirates". I'd like to invite anyone who reads this to join the game. Should you accept the invitation,you will initially get plopped down in a random suburb of the city, but we can find a place to rendevous and begin a reign of terror. I arbitrarily appointed Ryan and myself leaders of the group for the time being: Ryan because he IS our leader and me because I was a cadet at West Point once and have a modicum of military leadership experience. If you decide to join, you'll find it take a MINIMAL amount of time and effort to play and every now and then it's good for some laughs. There are some pretty humorous and creative folks playing who like to poke fun at almost anything. So, take a look and see what you think. You get to make up crazy names for yourself, and you can NEVER be permanently killed. There are lots of guides and help files, so it's easy to learn. Remember, The Angry Midget Pirates are looking for a few good Democrats to raise hell in Malton. And who wouldn't want to be a pirate?
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Stop or the Vice President will Shoot
I bet you think I'm going to write about Dick Cheney shooting his "friend" in the face with a shotgun while hunting captive game, but you would be wrong. I would love to wax philosophical about how this is not the least bit surprising. I grew up in Wyoming, Dick Cheney Country, and I can tell you that I've been hunting with some drunk and crazy assholes, and no one ever got shot. With friends like Dick, Terri Schaivo might have never been in that whole moral conundrum situation.
I've gotten a lot of comments recently about the color of my website. If someone wants to design a better webpage for me, for free, I would gladly accept. But seeing as how I want to focus on writing, and not what color my links and background are, I don't see that changing anytime soon. If you're having a hard time reading this, I'm sorry, but get a bigger monitor or paste it into word or something. Seriously. Visual researchers will actually tell you it's better for your eyes to read this than something in a white background, but I am sure, eventually, something will change here. In the meantime, there are plenty of other webistes with better designs and color schemes for those of you with visual impairments.
What I really wanted to write about was the SPORTSTRAVAGANZA that I am going to be participating in on Saturday. You might recall my trip to Green Bay on New Years Day after 2 hours of sleep, on a bus with the elderly, in a permanent drunken haze. Saturday will feature more sporting events in less time, and fewer miles, but I am sure the drunken debauchery will be just as intense.
The fun starts Saturday at Noon, when I will leave Omaha for Lincoln. In Lincoln, my friend Shane and I will proceed to drink massive quantities of alcohol at area bars including but not limited to The Watering Hole, Cliff's, Woody's and quite possibly The Spigot. At approximately 3 pm Central Time, we will attend the Nebraska vs. Texas Tech Men's Basketball game at the Bob Devaney Center. I want to see Bobby Knight kill a cheerleader. And I don't care which team the cheerleader is playing for.
After the game, we will trek back to Omaha for a night of bonus sports. We will attend the University of Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks vs. Michigan Men's Hockey game at the Omaha Civic Auditorium followed by the Creighton Blue Jays vs. Fresno State Bracket Buster basketball game at the Qwest Center, only a few blocks away. The Creighton game starts at 11 pm Central Time, by which time, I figure to be one very intoxicated midget.
I will post some updates, and possibly some photos to the website on Sunday or Monday, pending my release for a local correctional facility.
I've gotten a lot of comments recently about the color of my website. If someone wants to design a better webpage for me, for free, I would gladly accept. But seeing as how I want to focus on writing, and not what color my links and background are, I don't see that changing anytime soon. If you're having a hard time reading this, I'm sorry, but get a bigger monitor or paste it into word or something. Seriously. Visual researchers will actually tell you it's better for your eyes to read this than something in a white background, but I am sure, eventually, something will change here. In the meantime, there are plenty of other webistes with better designs and color schemes for those of you with visual impairments.
What I really wanted to write about was the SPORTSTRAVAGANZA that I am going to be participating in on Saturday. You might recall my trip to Green Bay on New Years Day after 2 hours of sleep, on a bus with the elderly, in a permanent drunken haze. Saturday will feature more sporting events in less time, and fewer miles, but I am sure the drunken debauchery will be just as intense.
The fun starts Saturday at Noon, when I will leave Omaha for Lincoln. In Lincoln, my friend Shane and I will proceed to drink massive quantities of alcohol at area bars including but not limited to The Watering Hole, Cliff's, Woody's and quite possibly The Spigot. At approximately 3 pm Central Time, we will attend the Nebraska vs. Texas Tech Men's Basketball game at the Bob Devaney Center. I want to see Bobby Knight kill a cheerleader. And I don't care which team the cheerleader is playing for.
After the game, we will trek back to Omaha for a night of bonus sports. We will attend the University of Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks vs. Michigan Men's Hockey game at the Omaha Civic Auditorium followed by the Creighton Blue Jays vs. Fresno State Bracket Buster basketball game at the Qwest Center, only a few blocks away. The Creighton game starts at 11 pm Central Time, by which time, I figure to be one very intoxicated midget.
I will post some updates, and possibly some photos to the website on Sunday or Monday, pending my release for a local correctional facility.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Ch-ch-ch-changes
So I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I've been busy at work. They laid off about 200 people in our office last week, and while I made the cut, they've decided to move me from home video to games. I could go on and on about this, but I'll just say that I'm excited about the future, and I'm sad about leaving the past. I've been in the film industry for almost nine years now, and it's been great. In fact, it's the only industry I've been working in since before I graduated from college. But I've been due for a change, and the timing couldn't be much better, as the home video industry is about to eat itself alive.
Otherwise, I don't have much to add right now. I mainly came to post this. If you get it, you're cool. If not, correct that shit PRONTO.
Otherwise, I don't have much to add right now. I mainly came to post this. If you get it, you're cool. If not, correct that shit PRONTO.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Cartoon Controversy
The controversy surrounding Muslim protests against a Danish Cartoon depicting the prophet Muhammad as a terrorist keeps getting more and more interesting. You've all heard that people are being killed in violent protests, Muslims are very pissed off, and Denmark is experiencing various forms of outrage including economic boycotts and violence against their interests abroad.
Now, it appears that the entire controversy was manufactured at the hands of some radical Muslim Clerics, who wished to incite anti-Western sentiment among Muslims. Mission Accomplished, as our fake cowboy President would say. In an interview with NPR yesterday, an Egyptian Cleric at the heart of the issue refused to take responsibility for the violence and death that has resulted from inciting these people.
I have two things to say about this, one for Muslims and one for Americans, particularly those who are critical of Muslims' response in this case.
Muslims already have a huge public image problem. You constantly hear people officials in Iraq and other countries pleading the case that Muslims are not violent people, and it's only a radical few that make the news. The problem is that their actions keep reinforcing the stereotype that Muslims use terrorism to further their cause. Violence and terror are not core values in the Muslim faith, but it's hard to demonstrate that when the collective response in multiple countries is to kill people and burn buildings because of a political cartoon or worse, because your Cleric manipulated you into reacting violently. If you don't want Muhammad to be portrayed at all, let alone as a terrorist, maybe you shouldn't react in violence every time you get pissed off about something. Buddha doesn't seem to have this same problem.
The other issue that gets me about this situation are all the Americans who fail to see the parallel between Muslim Clerics inciting violence based on a political cartoon, and our President inciting our country into war against a foreign nation with lies and false intelligence. Before you start making generalities about Muslims and their propensity for violence, perhaps you should look in the mirror, America. We have no room to talk about being violent, particularly when our President has made comments that his invasion of Iraq is part of God's devine plan for his Administration. Like Oprah, you were all duped, and you're still too stupid to see the connection between these two situations.
Even if Saddam isn't ruling the country, it's apparent from other Middle East democratic elections that after dumping billions of US dollars (remember when the oil revenue was going to pay for the war! HA!), we might end up with a legitimately elected terrorist group like Hamas or Hezzbollah running the government of Iraq.
For those of you who like history, I want to give you a quick reminder about a little communist stronghold that I like to call Cuba. There aren't a lot of us still alive who are old enough to remember Cuba from the time immediately after the Spanish-American War around the turn of the 20th Century and our good friend Fidel Castro.
You see, Iraq isn't the first country where we've tried to install Democracy 2.0 for Mac OS X. After the Spanish-American War, the United States made feeble attempt after feeble attempt to install and prop up pro-American government officials in Cuba. To summarize a 60-year struggle briefly, installing a pro-American democratic government in Cuba never worked. Some might even say that it backfired, when you consider that in 1962, we nearly became nuclear fodder because of our imperial hubris.
Iraq has all of the same complexities as Cuba did at the turn of the 20th Century, except that instead of oil, we wanted Cuba's sugar. Iraq also has the added issues of complete regional chaos, and a long history of civil war. Hang on folks. The next 60 years could be a pretty damned wild ride.
Now, it appears that the entire controversy was manufactured at the hands of some radical Muslim Clerics, who wished to incite anti-Western sentiment among Muslims. Mission Accomplished, as our fake cowboy President would say. In an interview with NPR yesterday, an Egyptian Cleric at the heart of the issue refused to take responsibility for the violence and death that has resulted from inciting these people.
I have two things to say about this, one for Muslims and one for Americans, particularly those who are critical of Muslims' response in this case.
Muslims already have a huge public image problem. You constantly hear people officials in Iraq and other countries pleading the case that Muslims are not violent people, and it's only a radical few that make the news. The problem is that their actions keep reinforcing the stereotype that Muslims use terrorism to further their cause. Violence and terror are not core values in the Muslim faith, but it's hard to demonstrate that when the collective response in multiple countries is to kill people and burn buildings because of a political cartoon or worse, because your Cleric manipulated you into reacting violently. If you don't want Muhammad to be portrayed at all, let alone as a terrorist, maybe you shouldn't react in violence every time you get pissed off about something. Buddha doesn't seem to have this same problem.
The other issue that gets me about this situation are all the Americans who fail to see the parallel between Muslim Clerics inciting violence based on a political cartoon, and our President inciting our country into war against a foreign nation with lies and false intelligence. Before you start making generalities about Muslims and their propensity for violence, perhaps you should look in the mirror, America. We have no room to talk about being violent, particularly when our President has made comments that his invasion of Iraq is part of God's devine plan for his Administration. Like Oprah, you were all duped, and you're still too stupid to see the connection between these two situations.
Even if Saddam isn't ruling the country, it's apparent from other Middle East democratic elections that after dumping billions of US dollars (remember when the oil revenue was going to pay for the war! HA!), we might end up with a legitimately elected terrorist group like Hamas or Hezzbollah running the government of Iraq.
For those of you who like history, I want to give you a quick reminder about a little communist stronghold that I like to call Cuba. There aren't a lot of us still alive who are old enough to remember Cuba from the time immediately after the Spanish-American War around the turn of the 20th Century and our good friend Fidel Castro.
You see, Iraq isn't the first country where we've tried to install Democracy 2.0 for Mac OS X. After the Spanish-American War, the United States made feeble attempt after feeble attempt to install and prop up pro-American government officials in Cuba. To summarize a 60-year struggle briefly, installing a pro-American democratic government in Cuba never worked. Some might even say that it backfired, when you consider that in 1962, we nearly became nuclear fodder because of our imperial hubris.
Iraq has all of the same complexities as Cuba did at the turn of the 20th Century, except that instead of oil, we wanted Cuba's sugar. Iraq also has the added issues of complete regional chaos, and a long history of civil war. Hang on folks. The next 60 years could be a pretty damned wild ride.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Early Oscar predictions
As you probably already know, the 2006 Oscar Nominees were announced this morning. I thought I'd share my early pics in the major categories, as I'm already thinking about the office pool here. I haven't won one yet, but since I work in the film industry, I have a lot of film geeks to compete with. Hopefully, none of you have that same problem. Here are my thoughts so far:
Best Picture
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
CRASH
CAPOTE
MUNICH
Crash has a good chance, especially with the head of steam it's picked up in the awards shows of the past few weeks, but this one's gonna go to Brokeback Mountain. Everyone involved in this project risked career suicide, and ended up making a fantastic film.
Best Director
Steven Spielberg, MUNICH
Ang Lee, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
George Clooney, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
Paul Haggis, CRASH
Bennet Miller, CAPOTE
Again, Crash could surprise everyone, but the smart money is on Brokeback Mountain. Spielberg has his Best Director award already, Clooney getting nominated is as good as a win (since this is only his second film), as is Miller's nod. Haggis made a very good film, but I think this will be Lee's night.
Actor in a Leading Role
Philip Seymour Hoffman, CAPOTE
Heath Ledger, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Terrence Howard, HUSTLE AND FLOW
David Strathairn, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
Joaquin Phoenix, WALK THE LINE
Hoffman has picked up a lot of momentum with the Golden Globes, and last weekend's SAG awards, so it would be hard to vote against him. I liked his performance plenty, but I'll be quietly rooting for Ledger or Howard. Both were 'from out of nowhere' performances, especially Ledger's. If you've ever lived in Wyoming, you knew someone like him, right down to the mumble. But Hoffman's got this one in the bag, especially when you look at his body of work.
Actress in a Leading Role
Felicity Huffman, TRANSAMERICA
Charlize Theron, NORTH COUNTRY
Reese Witherspoon, WALK THE LINE
Keira Knightley, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
Judi Dench, MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Reese is the 'it' girl right now, and that's usually how the voters swing. Look back at Erin Brockovich. Was Roberts really THAT good? Same with Jolie's Best Supporting win for Girl Interrupted. I haven't seen Walk the Line yet though, so I can't comment on her performance in this one. Huffman could surprise, but just getting a nod is a win for her. The same can be said for Knightley. Dench and Theron have their statues already. Therefore, it's Witherspoon.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Paul Giamatti, CINDERELLA MAN
George Clooney, SYRIANA
Matt Dillon, CRASH
William Hurt, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Jake Gyllenhaal, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
I wasn't expecting Giamatti to get the nod here. Same with Hurt, as he's only in his film for about ten minutes (and to me, it was a scenery-chewing ten minutes). A nod for Dillon is pretty much a nod for everyone in Crash, so I doubt they'll single him out. They can't slap a mustache and some grey dye on Gyllenhaal and make him look twenty years older. That puts Clooney at the top of the list, although I'll be honest, I didn't think he had the best performance in the film. Plus, my thoughts on Dillon and the cast of Crash could also be said for Syriana. I'm picking Clooney, but there's definitely some upset potential here.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Rachel Weisz, THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Frances McDormand, NORTH COUNTRY
Michelle Williams, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Amy Adams, JUNEBUG
Catherine Keener, CAPOTE
Wow, this one is even tougher. I'd like to write off Amy Adams and Michelle Williams, but newcomers have won this award before. They're both outside shots, but either one could happen, as they both were great (Adams especially understands the importance of subtlety). McDormand already has an Oscar, and in order to win another one, you really have to do something special (which I didn't think Swank did last year, but AMPAS disagreed). So it's either Weisz or Keener. I'm going with Weisz, as she had more to do in her film, but this one could go either way.
Best Original Screenplay
Woody Allen, MATCH POINT
George Clooney & Grant Heslov, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco, CRASH
Stephen Gaghan, SYRIANA
Noah Baumbach, THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
This one is a two-horse race. I'd love to see Syriana win it. Had I made my top ten list later than I did, it would've been number two. The script is a fascinating human geo-political puzzle. It doesn't assume that the viewer is stupid, which is always nice. And it accomplishes more in a two-hour running time than any film I've seen in years. However, Crash is gonna win this one. Personally, I thought the ending was a little too convenient. Haggis wants us to believe that twenty people live in all of Los Angeles. However, none of that matters. In the Oscar world, racial 'feel-good' films almost always trump political 'feel-bad' ones. Haggis has a screenplay Oscar already, but I don't think that will stop AMPAS voters from giving him another one.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Dan Futterman, CAPOTE
Josh Olson, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Jeffrey Caine, THE CONSTANT GARDENER
Tony Kushner & Eric Roth, MUNICH
Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
Last one, and it's an easy one. Even though all five scripts are deeper than any plot synopsis can give them credit for, Brokeback Mountain took the biggest risks. That will count for a lot on March 5th.
So those are my picks for the major categories. For the first time in a long while, I'm not mad about any of the major nominees. Typically, I'm rooting against someone 'undeserving,' but that won't be the case this year, so I'm looking forward to the show.
One more thing. I really hope that Terrence Howard gets to perform 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.' It won't be as funny as Robin Williams performing 'Blame Canada' a few years back, but it'll be just as memorable, especially if he wears that wife-beater:
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